People, Places, and Things

5. Level Five For Guidance (or Just Cute Guys)

5. Level Five For Guidance (or Just Cute Guys)

I sat on the sidewalk just ridiculously upset. I realized I probably looked like a homeless person begging for money or something, so I got off the ground as casually as I could. My pants were soaking wet from sitting on the wet ground. Great, I thought. Just another thing.

I knew I couldn’t head back up to Jamie’s room, because then I’d have to apologize and I didn’t even know if he would accept it. I knew what I said was inappropriate, but it was all true, and part of me didn’t really want to take it back. I thought about going home, but there was always that chance that Finn would drop by and I wanted to see him about as much as I wanted to see Jamie and my mom. Ugh, I groaned internally. Mom was sure to hear about our little argument. And of course she would take Jamie’s side. I mean, not only is he in the hospital, but also she only got his side of the story. Thinking about hearing from my side didn’t make the story sound any better though. I just cracked under all of the pressure. That’s all. I felt terrible.

I headed back into the hospital. I took the elevator to Jamie’s floor. I walked right by his room without so much as a look into it. I have no idea if he saw me or not. I walked around the floor looking for the guy I had seen earlier that day; the one holding his sobbing mother. I poked my nose around every corner and peeked into every room, but he was nowhere to be found. Neither was the mother. There were a few rooms that were being cleaned out; the patients had just been discharged or passed away. I never asked. 

I ended up at the elevator again. I climbed into it and hit the button for the fifth floor without thinking. When I stepped out of the elevator, I made my way knowingly to the backside of the floor. I was standing in front of the chapel. I walked quietly inside and noticed there was one person sitting in a pew. Just sitting. I recognized him the moment I spotted him. He was still wearing the beanie. 

I debated sitting right next to him, but I thought it could be rude. Perhaps he wanted his time alone. That’s typically why people went to the chapel. But something told me he wasn’t here for the ordinary reasons. He didn’t seem to be praying, but everybody did it in their own way. To be respectful, I sat on the opposite side from him, but not too many pews ahead. 

We both sat there in silence for a very long time. I started thinking about why I was here. I came here almost unconsciously. Was it because I knew he was here? That was rather silly. Who was to say he would even remember me? Then I thought about my fight with Jamie. Did I come here because I wanted to be forgiven? By Jamie? By God? I had never really been sure of my faith. I had believed in God, but my family had never been the type to go to church. I didn’t really know if we were considered Christians. I never really cared before. I started to get upset. I was thinking way too much about everything. Perhaps coming here was a poor decision. I stood up and was heading out of the chapel. When I reached the doorway, he spoke to me.

“Leaving so soon?” 

I stopped and turned around. He was still facing the front of the chapel. He didn’t even glance at me. I didn’t know what to do. Should I respond? Or should I keep walking?

Instead, I turned around and sat in his pew. I left room for another person between us, but at least I was sitting in his pew. He still hadn’t moved his gaze. I almost wondered if he was really talking to me or if I’d made it up in my head. It wouldn’t surprise me. 

He had taken off his sunglasses, but that was the only thing different about him. He looked exactly as I had imagined. I had burned that image onto my eyelids. I didn’t want to look at him for too long, so I focused my gaze ahead of me as well.

“Pitiful place, isn’t it?” he asked me.

It seemed every time he spoke to me, I had no response. I wish I was better versed, but I lacked the ability to use my voice. My wit, especially seemed to vacate my body when he was present.