Full Bloom

What Could Have Been

This studio felt like home to me. When I was three, my grandparents wanted me to get involved in ballet classes. They thought it was cute. They brought me to WSDA, or Winter Sister's Dance Academy. Run by former twin Rockette sisters Hellen and Heather Winter, it was the best place to go in Oak Falls if your kid wanted to dance.

Only...I didn't want to do ballet. I was five, waiting for my class to start in the lobby. I heard booming music from studio D, the largest room in the building. While my grandma was reading a magazine, I peeked into the open entryway of Studio D. There was a group of girls doing all kinds of moves I hadn't seen before. It looked so, so cool. Way more fun than boring old ballet.

I made sure my grandma was still reading her magazine, which she was, and snuck in the back. I tried my best to follow along with these preteen girls who were wearing t-shirts and leggings, sticking out like a sore thumb in my pink ballet leotard and tights.

I felt a little nervous when Iris, Hellen's daughter who was teaching the class, saw me in the mirror. But she didn't stop the song and kick me out. We finished dancing, and then she approached me. I didn't want to run away, even though it felt like I was in trouble. I wanted to stay.

I shuddered as Iris got down to eye level with me, all these bigger girls staring at me in confusion.

"What's your name, honey?" Iris asked me.

"Uh...Jen," I said.

She smiled. "Well Jen, I was going to ask if you were lost, but I think you were far from that! You were keeping up with some of my big girls here. I think you may have a special talent for hip hop."

I gasped. "Wow. Really?"

"Mmm hmm." She nodded. "How old are you, Jen?"

"I'm five and a half," I said. "Can I please stay here, Miss Iris? I don't like ballet."

"Okay. Well we don't start hip hop classes for girls until they turn ten, but maybe I can ask my mom and my aunt if you can dance with our youngest group."

"Jenny! There you are!" Grandma said, running into the room and grabbing me by the arm. "Don't run away from me like that."

"Sorry, Grandma Poppy," I said. "Can I please do hip hop instead? I don't wanna do dumb ballet anymore."

"What? Hip hop?" Grandma asked, way more shocked than she should have been.

"I think she can keep up with our youngest group. They dance on Wednesdays," Iris said.

"That's tomorrow! Please please please, Grandma?" I said, giving her my best puppy dog eyes.

That was it. She was sold. I didn't go to ballet that night. We went home, had dinner, and I went to kindergarten the next day, happy as could be. When I got home, Grandma told me she got a call from Iris, and I was allowed to try the hip hop class that night. If I couldn't keep up with the ten-year-olds, I'd have to try again when I was a little older.

Grandma surprised me with a whole new outfit, along with sneakers to wear for class that night. It was warm out, and I was so excited to have class in a t-shirt and shorts instead of my awful ballet leotards.

I felt really nervous, but I did it! I got through the whole class. It was a little hard, but so, so much fun. Iris told me I did a great job, and I could come back next week. I ran out into the waiting room and gave my grandma a huge hug.

I went back the next week, and the next, gearing up for my very first dance competition. At our studio, ages ten and up were allowed to be part of competition teams. I was allowed to go, since I was part of a competing group. We took a bus to NYC, and Grandma took way too many pictures of me in my costume.

Some of the girls were whispering back and forth about how we were "Going to lose this time" because of me. I was the smallest, so I was front and center. But when I took the stage, I danced my heart out in front of all those people. We won first place in our age division.

From there, the rest is history. Solos, duets, trios—I did them all, and we won first every. Single. Time. I became the hip hop queen of WSDA. At thirteen, I was dancing with girls who were eighteen. That year, I went to Philadelphia with my team to Nationals. It was my first time with a solo at Nationals, and my very first time dancing in the teen division.

When they started the awards for the top five, I began to think I didn't place. They called second, which was a girl who was sixteen and from the ALDC. That's right, the Abby Lee Dance Company, from Dance Moms. But that was so far in the future. No one knew why they were at that time.

"And in first place, your overall solo, and National Champion, it's Jennifer with Feel You Move!" said the emcee. I couldn't believe it. I walked up and got my crown, sash, and a trophy that was up to my shoulders. "Tell us your studio and where you're from, Jennifer!"

"Winter Sister's Dance Academy, in Oka Falls, New York!" I said into the microphone, still staring at my humongous trophy.

It had been a few years, so looking at it now, it wasn't as shiny. It needed to be dusted, along with the other trophies up on the shelf in the studio's dancewear shop. I felt my little girl kick and put a hand down to my baby bump.

"Oh my goodness, Jen?" I turned around and saw Iris. She had a baby bump, like I did. She was twenty when I first started taking her classes, and had just gotten married when I left. It made sense that she was having a baby with her husband, like a normal person. "I'm so surprised to see you!"

"You too, Iris," I said, giving her a quick hug.

"I heard a rumor that you were having a baby. One of my students goes to Valley Hill," she said. "How have you been? Can I help you with something? And how's your grandma doing?"

I shook my head. "I'm okay. I miss being here. My grandma is in assisted living."

"Oh...she was such a sweetheart. I'm so sorry, honey. My great-grandma's dementia was hard for us as well."

"I wish she didn't get so sick and she was able to keep working her part-time job. Then I'd be able to keep dancing. It's hard, you know," I said, wiping away a stray tear. "I had a really bright future in dance. There were so many music video auditions in the city that I planned on going to...but I have to help my grandpa, you know? His pension doesn't cover everything.

"And now, as you can see, I'm pregnant. And I love my baby girl so much, but at the same time I'm just really upset because I can't live out my lifelong dream of being a dancer."

"Yeah, that's understandable," she said, "but think of it this way: sometimes life gives us new dreams."

"Thanks, Iris. All these years later and you're still giving me pep talks," I said, sniffling. "Anyway, I came to see if you had the cassette lying around somewhere from my Nationals Solo. It's for something school-related."

"Oh, definitely! I have it in the back. Give me just one second!" She scurried into the back room and came out a few minutes later with the cassette. "One of my favorites. Would you mind bringing it back to me at some point? There's no rush, but I use this song pretty frequently in class."

"Sure! I'm due in July. Maybe I can bring it back and you can meet my little girl. Or is that too long?" I asked.

"No, no. That should be fine. Maybe I'll know what I'm having by then," she said, putting her hand on her baby bump. I noticed a bruise on it. But we were dancers, we got bumps and bruises all the time.

"Thanks a lot, Iris, I'll see you then!" I said, waving as I walked out the door.

"Bye Jen! Take care! Good luck with your school project!" she said.

I took the cassette and walked over to the deli next door, where my grandpa was still waiting in line. I was thinking about what delicious sandwich I was going to get, along with trying to remember the moves in my head from my solo. I was going to be a champion, one last time.