The World XXI

November 3rd

Dear You,

I won't lie, I am extremely upset at everything you did. I don't know why you pretended to like me or even care about me in the slightest. I know nothing I tell you could make a difference in your mind, especially given the circumstances, so I shall write this and hope the words burn away.

I feel embarrassed for spending time with you, for letting you see a different part of me, for almost completely being myself around you, for letting you use me. I knew you were using me and I just let it happen because I think so little of myself.

I wanted to ask;

Why do you close the blinds every time we were about to be intimate? Were you thinking of Her, or were you just insecure?

Why was your response "yeah, I did that" when the group chat was talking about how some men date and stay with women even though they don't love them? Were you talking about me? Were you talking about Her? Both of us perhaps?

Did you say you loved me just so you could fuck me? Did you leave because it didn't happen?

Why did you leave? But why didn't you block me? Why did you cheat on Her if you supposedly loved her? Why me? Was it easy for you?

Did you really care or was I just easy?

Who did you really tell about me? Was I just a joke to you?

Did you really care about me or did you just have time?

Do you still miss me? If you didn't care about me then why would you say you miss me? Why keep tabs on me?

Did you really care or did you just want to keep me there, just in case you got bored again?

You said I'm a beautiful person.
She said you never said anything bad about me.
The new one said the same.
Yet you told your sister I have issues. "Ella tiene problemas". Que problemas?

What do you really feel about me?

How did you really feel about me?

How do you really feel about me?

Were you embarrassed about being with me? Why couldn't you ever look me in my eyes? Why couldn't you look at me? Did you feel shame? Guilt? Did you want to pretend I was Her? Did you want me to be Her? Were you looking for Her within me? She keeps trying to convince herself that you were. She keeps trying to convince me that you were.

Did you ever truly care about me?

How come when I told my friend I'd be the best Cuban mom you said "not even close"? Why do you say such mean things if I was nothing but nice to you? All I ever wanted to do was make sure you were mentally okay, check in on you, take care of you, have you with me, show you genuine love and compassion, stay by your side through thick and thin. Be your friend.

Were you going to come back to me?

How come you talk about the new one in the group chats? How come you say you're in love with her? Did you ever talk about me like that? How come you were willing to let Her go for the new one? Was it because she left you first? Was it because I finally blocked you? Was it because I said those things about you in the group chat once I found out the truth? They weren't harsh. I know you don't care about what I said. I don't know how to hurt anyone, nor do I try to. Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I'm ridiculous? A joke?

What do you think of me?

What did you think of me when we kissed? Why did you kiss me? I felt nothing because at that point I did not love you. In fact, the only thought in my head when you did that was "he stole my first kiss from me".