The World XXI

Li' endd.

Hey.

You know, after everything we went through together, all our late night talks, even our regular talks, I never expected this from you.

We talked that morning.
Made plans together.
You were so excited.
What happened?

I never expected you to leave over a guy and this hurts, but not as much as it should.

I don't know if mentally I'm 100% there.
I don't know if I'm mentally balanced.
Maybe I'm missing a few screws.
A few chemicals.

Maybe I'm finally getting used to people leaving.

The thing with getting used to this is that I keep thinking it's because you're all finding "better". What am I then?
I know I'm a good, caring person. I know I'm worth more than I give myself credit for.
So why doesn't it feel that way?

You know, I had the Moldevite you gave me in my pocket the day you texted.
Yeah. A text.
Maybe it was your time to go.

Yet,
I can't help but think that I don't miss you as much as I should.
Does that make me a bad person?
In my defense, I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's been going on for a while now, a few years.
I don't know why I feel this way and it scares me.

Quite frankly I don't feel anything anymore.
No sad, no happy.
Nothing in between.
Nothing outstretched of either ends.
Just,
Dull.
Empty.
Neutral maybe?
I have not a clue.

I look back and think about how you never really knew what to say when I came to you needing help.
You kinda just sat there and listened.
Then told me you didn't know what to say.
It did sting a bit when you said that, but I guess I was in such desperate need for someone to listen that I pretended you were actually there for me. That sitting there actually helped me.
In a way it made me feel less alone.
I know there are people that don't have someone to go to. Someone to at least sit there and listen to them.
But in reality I was still alone.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.
Although I believe I deserve what I give out in life, and I've always been there to help. Genuinely help.

And just like everyone who's walked away,
You reduced me to a text message.

"Hey. I wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my mind for a while now. I have been thinking about our friendship and I realized that the dynamic between us has changed a lot. I am sorry to say this, but my life is full of different priorities right now, and I don't have as much time to spend with my friends as I used to. Our friendship has changed over the past couple of months and it has changed the way I feel about our friendship. My mom has also expressed her concerns about our friendship and how she doesn't feel comfortable with me spending time with you anymore. This friendship has started to feel forced. As I told you before, there is a lot that has changed in my life and I need time to put all the puzzle pieces back into place. And I don't want to feel rushed to do so. I don't think it fair to you or me, for me to feel like this and keep it to myself and not be my authentic self when I'm with you. I don't want to have to lie to you and hurt you even more down the line. I hope you can understand that this decision is not taken lightly. It pains me to do this, but I think it's for the best that we take a break from our friendship. Please know that I am grateful for all the support and time we've spent together before. I appreciate the memories we've created and the bond we've shared. Unfortunately, things aren't the same anymore and I think it's best for both of us if we go our separate ways for some time. I am sorry if this hurts you, but I need to do this for my well-being and the sake of my family and relationship. I hope you can understand where I am coming from and I do wish you the very best in life because you do truly deserve it. I hope you can respect my decision and see that this isn't about you personally, but about where I am at in my life right now. I'm sorry I had to tell you this through text. I wish I had the courage to tell you in person."