Live, Laugh, Loathe

Chapter 9: Damon

I royally fucked up.

I tried to keep things casual and unbothered and ended up being too distant. And now she's shut down completely.

It's been a month since we had sex, and we've barely spoken beyond the minimum needed to do our jobs. I'm drowning in self-loathing right now. I tried to apologize several times and only stopped because she threw her shoe at me the last time.

So now, we work in awkward, painful, silence.

"You look like shit." Collin's voice interrupts my brooding time as he arrogantly saunters in, a bag of takeout in hand.

"I tried to have lunch with Rachel, but she hasn't stopped vomiting all day, so she banished me and the food. So, I thought I'd come share it with my bestest friend ever."

Without being invited, he plops down on one of the lounge couches and unpacks the food onto the coffee table. I sigh and join him, my stomach reminding me that I barely ate anything for breakfast.

"Thanks, man. Even if I was your second choice, I still appreciate the free food."

"Free? Who said anything about free. I demand you pay at least half; you've got more money than Midas, and I'm about to have a kid." We both laugh; he's such an idiot. The guy works on Wall Street and has so much money he's begging people to take it. I think he's given more away in donations this year than half the one percent combined. And it's only May.

Still, I pull out a twenty and toss it to him. By next month I'll have it back after we share another meal, or drinks, or whatever.

I glance over at the door and see that it's shut. Through the frosted glass, I can see that Drew's chair is no longer occupied. Likely she saw Collin come in for lunch and decided to have hers elsewhere. I can't stop the sigh that escapes. Such a fucking mess.

"Ok, seriously, Damon. What's going on? I've barely seen you; you barely text the group chat. And now that I've clapped eyes on you, you look upset. Lay it on me. Please. I'd like to stop thinking about how I got my wonderful wife pregnant, and it's making her miserable." For the first time, I notice that Collin himself isn't looking too hot, either. Apparently, Rachel's first trimester is not going very well. Lots of morning sickness that just lasts all day. I never want to go through that.

"You have to promise not to yell when I tell you. Can you do that?"

He looks at me uncertainly but agrees.

"I fucked Drew."

"What?"

"I fucked Drew."

"What?!" Jesus.

"I. Fucked."

"Stop, no, I heard you. I'm just blown away. Drew, your assistant? The one you were adamant you couldn't touch with a ten-foot pole because it was inappropriate?"

"Yes."

"Fuck, man. How did that happen?"

Without going into grizzly details, I fill him in. I don't leave out how asininely I handled the aftermath, and from the expression on his face, he's pissed at me too. We sit in silence when I'm done, and I'm pretty much just waiting for him to dress me down.

"Look, I think you know I don't approve of how you handled this. But just by looking at you, I can tell you're beating yourself up more than I ever could."

My shoulders slump in relief. I really didn't want to hear how disappointed he was in me.

"Let me ask you this. Do you truly think you took advantage of her?"

"No. She's been clear that it was an enthusiastic yes on her end."

"Ok, that's good. Now, is your hang-up that you had sex with your assistant or that the sex was a one-time thing, and she seems ok with it?"

This is why you should never keep childhood friends around. They know you too well.

"I think my brain wants it to be about her being my assistant when in reality, it's the fact that she seems totally unaffected. Like a one-time fucking was all I'm good for." I sigh and tip my head back against the back of the couch. "She's brilliant, witty, and gorgeous. Did you know that she's completely changed how I organize my week? Somehow, she managed to take five hours' worth of meetings off my schedule every week by turning a few into fifteen-minute check-ins or emails. And she did that within a month of being in charge of my schedule."

I glance out the door again and note that she still isn't there.

"And it's not even how fucking good she is at her job either. She's a genuinely kind person. Says hi to Allison, the receptionist on her way in every day. She is constantly bringing treats for the other assistants and arranging happy hours. Before I fucked it all up, she was actually starting to talk to me about things outside of work. It was nice. Horny for each other but still friendly. But that's all gone now. And I hate it."

Collin nods. I know he understands. He and Rachel danced around each other for a year before finally giving in to their feelings.

"Last question, then we can stuff our faces with the rest of this food. What would you want from her if she wasn't your assistant?"

That's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

"I'd want her to be mine."