Live, Laugh, Loathe

Chapter 36: Drew

It's nearly one in the morning when we get home.

Damon literally has to carry me; I'm so loopy. I didn't even drink anything, I'm just slap-happy from lack of sleep and staying up past my bedtime. I'll regret this tomorrow.

I'm slung over his shoulder, giggling as we enter. I can hear Matilda laughing as she comes to the entryway and spots us.

"Well, you two sure look like you had fun." I pick my head up to see her, unable to wipe the grin from my face.

"We sure did. How was Sofia for you? She go down ok after her nine o'clock feeding?" Damon sets me down as I'm talking and helps me get out of my coat. He's such a good husband.

Husband?

Where the fuck did that thought come from?

"She was an absolute angel. A little fussy directly after burping, but I think she was just gassy. She let out a really good fart a few minutes later and went down nicely." That's my girl, gassy queen.

Damon thanks Matilda again and walks her down to a cab. We tried to get her to spend the night since we didn't know how late we would be out, but she insisted on going home. Her husband apparently 'can't sleep alone'. I don't know how true that is, but I'm grateful she's even willing to babysit.

I'm brushing my teeth when Damon gets back. He pulls me against his side as he starts brushing his own. He's been acting weird since the party, opening his mouth like he wants to say something but then stays quiet. I don't know if I should push him or not. We've been in limbo since Sofia was born, and I don't really know how to get out of it.

I'm spitting when Sofia begins to cry. But when I move to go get her, Damon stops me.

"You get to bed; I'll do her feeding." He kisses the top of my head before going to the nursery. I hear him talk to her softly as he picks her up and soothes her before heading for the kitchen and prepping a bottle.

I finish my nighttime routine and crawl into bed, turning on our baby monitor as I get situated. We went for the fancy kind that has video and audio. It helps a lot when we're trying to figure out if she's actually awake or just fussing in her sleep. You do not want to wake her prematurely; it does not go well.

As I settle against the headboard, Damon enters the nursery with the bottle and sets up in the rocker. I don't usually watch while he does the nighttime feeding. But I don't know, something tells me to pay attention this time.

"Hey, sweet girl, how was your play date with Matilda?" He talks to her softly as he holds the bottle. "Do you know how much your papa loves you? Because I do, I love you to the moon and back." Tears well up in my eyes as I listen. I couldn't have asked for a better man to have a kid with. We still haven't really talked about us long-term, which scares me, but not how it used to. I was terrified he'd walk away from us, from her. But now I know that will never happen. He and I could have a massive falling out, but he would never abandon his daughter.

"Did you know your mommy's birthday is coming up? I have a surprise for her. Do you want to know what it is?" I really should stop listening now, but I can't force myself to turn off the sound. I want to know.

"I found this adorable cabin in the Finger Lakes. Your mommy loves it there. I'm going to buy it for us, that way we can visit every summer. Do you think she'll like that?" He pauses, pretending to listen to her answer. "Yeah, I agree. I think she'll love it." He's silent for a bit as she finishes the bottle. He then burps her and starts rocking her to sleep.

I'm unable to tear my eyes away as I watch the man I love put our daughter to sleep. I want to tell him how I feel so badly, but I'm still so scared he doesn't feel as deeply as I do.

"I love you so much, Peanut. And I love your momma. One day I'll get up the courage to tell her." Sofia's asleep by now, and he puts her in her crib.

I'm still sitting here crying when he comes back to our room. He's frozen at the door, looking at me, holding the baby monitor. He looks so uncertain, and that hurts me. I never want him to doubt me again.

"Come here, Damon." He immediately comes to the bed; I reach up and pull him down, so he's seated, and I'm straddling his lap. His hands instantly go to my hips, holding me in place.

"Damon?"

"Yes?" His voice is shaky, and I can see tears at the corners of his eyes.

"I love you." His eyes flutter closed like he's savoring the words.

"You do?"

"Yes, I've been an idiot. I kept telling myself that you only cared about me because I was having your baby. I was scared that I'd eventually lose you, so telling you how I feel felt impossible." I bring one hand to his cheek, wiping the tears that have fallen.

"I've been an idiot too. I should have said something sooner. Been more honest. I just didn't want to burst the bubble we had created." He brings our foreheads together and kisses me softly. I'm hanging on by a thread, waiting to hear him say it back.

"Say it again." He rasps, holding me tightly.

"I love you." His smile lights up the room.

"I love you more." I laugh because this is what we've really been saying this whole time. We were just too in our own heads to realize it.

"I love you the most."

"I love you to infinity plus one." We fall into the bed together, kissing. It's a sweet, drugging kiss. Before it can go further, though, I pull back. He looks at me, confused.

"I'm sorry, I just need to say that I'm not ready. For, um, other activities." I wince, not able to meet his eyes. Technically, I'm healed and can resume said activities, but I don't feel ready yet. My therapist has helped me to understand that it's perfectly normal to wait longer before having sex again. I just hope Damon is ok with it, just a bit longer.

"Hey," he tips up my chin so I have to look him in the eyes. "I'll wait as long as you need. Sex with you is only wonderful because you want it. If you aren't ready, I'll wait. I love you." He kisses me again before settling us into our regular sleeping positions.

As I drift off, I realize for the first time in my life, I have a home. In this man's arms.