Live, Laugh, Loathe

Chapter 25: Damon

If I thought the birthing videos were bad, I was not prepared for these dolls.

Doll is a generous word. These life-like monstrosities are terrifying. Our fake baby is currently screaming its head off while I fumble to get the swaddle right.

Drew is cackling beside me with her phone out, no doubt filming my downfall. I've tried five times, and the swaddle comes undone every time I go to pick the doll up. It doesn't help that the object is screeching an unholy sound; there's no way a real baby would sound like that, right?

Samra is making her way through the room, calmly explaining the proper steps to frantic future parents. Everyone's baby is screaming. A few families have succeeded and proudly walk around the room, bouncing their fake babies like they've won an award.

Finally, Samra reaches us. "How is it going here, you two?"

"Awful. It keeps coming undone, and Drew is laughing rather than helping." I shoot her a dirty look, which she returns. She does put her phone down, though.

"Well, why don't you show me what you're doing, and I'll offer some feedback." So diplomatic. I nod and try again, my ears ringing from the constant recording of baby screams.

"Alright, I see what's going on here. Remember, your baby is used to being in utero, where it's warm and safe. There's not a lot of space in there, and your swaddle needs to mimic that. When you bring that left corner over, you need to tuck it under the baby, like so," she demonstrates how to tuck in the swaddle blanket corner so that the baby's weight holds in under its body. "Then, you can bring up the bottom corner and tuck it in as well. But remember, you want to leave some space at the bottom so your baby can still move their legs."

She makes me practice in front of her a few more times until finally, I've got it. I smile triumphantly at Drew, who is smiling back. It's her turn, and she takes one try to get it right. I stare, dumbfounded. How the hell did she get it so fast?

"Motherly instinct, I guess." She shrugs, smiling so smugly, I want to kiss her.

She's standing now, holding the doll, bouncing it softly, a giant smile on her face. Within moments, the doll makes a gurgling sound. We both freeze, staring at the doll, wondering what the hell that meant. A moment later, we're rewarded with an awful smell.

I can't stop the gag that comes on; that the hell did they put in this thing?

"Oh god, that's so disgusting." Drew holds the doll out from her body like it's radioactive. Samra notices and smiles from a few tables over.

"Ah, attention, class. It looks like Drew and Damon's doll has had its first bowel movement. Let's review how to properly change your baby. Drew, Damon? You'll demonstrate."

The class crowds around our table, all eager to watch us struggle through changing the doll. It'd be funny if it wasn't us.

Carefully, as if it were a bomb that would go off, Drew sets the doll on the table. Unwrapping it from its swaddle. The smell somehow gets worse. I gag again, triggering a few chuckles from the other parents in the room. Wait till their dolls take a crap; they won't find it so funny then.

When we open the diaper, we both jump back at the sight. Green viscous goo is smeared everywhere.

This is hell.

"Now, class, you want to make sure to clean up as much as possible. Some days, you may need to actually bathe your baby to get them clean. Bowel movements can tell you a lot about your baby's health, so document what you see during each change and alert your doctor immediately if you notice anything concerning."