Our Literature Bond

Chapter VI Wall without doors

Natsuki, 4:01 PM, May 18th, 2017

Thursday

Sometimes I wonder if it has always been like this. Was I always so mean to everyone? I can't recall right now, and I'll probably never will, but ever since that moment, I've been struggling with socializing, even when I really try to. People find me annoying, because I always go straight to the point, without sweetening my wording. If I don't like something, I say it out aloud. And people don't like it when someone does that, because it's too "offensive". And then I wonder, who is the one who's wrong here? Them, or myself? Sometimes I question myself if what the majority wants is the right thing, or if it has always been about injustices... But I believe I have no right in doing so, so I keep being like this, repeating the cycle. What happened today is nothing new to me, so might as well act as always and forget about it. What's worse, I wasn't even thinking straight, so maybe that was the best outcome that could've happened. I think I'm having a headache, maybe being in the club will help me relax a little.
Going upstairs I try to think of something else to make me feel better, so I go back to something we're supposed to do in the club, which is poetry sharing. Monika said she was gonna change the way we do it, so I'm a little bit nervous. After all, almost all the things she comes up with end up being incredibly uncomfortable to me. Nonetheless, it better be worth it, because I spent all night writing the poem I'm sharing today.
Going into the club room, I can only find Muraoka sitting in the front desks. None of the other girls seems to be here, so I guess I'll just sit and read some manga to kill time. Although, after what happened, I don't feel like it... Maybe I'll just scroll through social media. But before I can even take out my phone, the door opens and Monika comes inside with Sayori behind her.
- Hi, you two! Sorry for the delay, I had to handle some stuff for the teachers... And I ran into Sayori in the middle of it, so here we are!
- About time. You know, even if you're the president, you shouldn't take much time to arrive -I leave my things on a random desk and go the closet while saying that without much thought.
- Yes, I know, I'm sorry ha ha. But I'll still do my best to use the little time we have wisely. And you will help me, right, Sayori?
- Will do, ma'am! They don't call me miss awesome Vice-president for nothing!
- No one calls you that, silly -I laugh with Sayori. With her I always feel like the environment livens up.
I think I'm gonna leave my manga where I usually do for now. Maybe another day I'll feel like reading it. Luckily, this time Monika didn't mess with the box, so I won't have to yell at her. When I'm about to leave the volume, I remember leaving the poem I wrote inside it. Maybe that was a little careless, but I doubt anything's going to happen to it there. But just to avoid the trouble later, maybe it's best to pull it out. And just as I thought, there is a piece of paper that sticks out between the pages, but something feels weird about it... Well, whatever, I wrote it really late so it's no surprise I don't remember it well. There's another thing that's bugging me right now too, but I can't really put my finger on what it is. I look at the room for a second, and then it comes to me that the intruder isn't here today. Well, that's not weird, considering he's not even a member, but he did promise to Sayori that he would come here everyday to walk home with her. I must say I'm a little jealous about them. Having a childhood friend sounds like it would be awesome, like you'd always have something to do or share, making the everyday's monotony be less noticeable. I don't think I've ever had a friend that would qualify like that, or at least not that I remember.
- You okay there, Natsuki?
- Ah! -I jump out of surprise, hitting my head with the closet's door- You scared me!
- Sorry, sorry! I just saw you here all alone looking at the void and got a little worried. I didn't misplace your manga again, did I?
Monika giggles a little. She always comes to me like I'm some sort of lost kitten, and that never fails to bother me. It's like I'm just a child for her, and my body dysmorphia doesn't help at all.
- You didn't. I'm actually surprised you managed not to touch it or whatever. I was just going through my poem in my head.
- I see. Today's sharing is going to be a little different from yesterday, but I can assure you it won't include performing.
- It better not! It was embarrassing enough one time -While thinking about it, I squeeze my poem a little. I'm still not really confident about it- By the way, where's that idiot?
- If for "idiot" you refer to Hokama, Sayori told me before that he wasn't feeling well. I think he went home... Huh? Why are you asking?
- Oh, for no reason...
- Could it be that you're worried about him? ~
- No, next question.
I close the closet's door a little too hard by accident, so before she says something I rush to my seat. Today's really not my day, everything that could've possibly go wrong went wrong. I guess today I'll share my poem and then head straight to my house.
It's funny, because I thought that joining a club less popular would be the perfect thing to help me kill time, but it turns out this space is just stressing me out every single time. Should I consider leaving it? It's not like they'll care anyway. Maybe I should talk about it with Monika after this meeting is over.
The next ten minutes I stay still and quiet, listening to some music. Music has always found a way to help me stay calm even in the more hard moments. I guess you could say is kind of a comfort zone for me to just be with myself and ignore the world around me. It works really well, honestly, until someone comes to talk to you, even if they see you're not paying attention wearing your earphones. Unfortunately for me, Monika is that type of person, so it's only a matter of time before she reaches to me and forces me to leave my music. My theory, as I thought, is confirmed once again a second after that comes to mind, as I feel someone poking my shoulder from the side. I have no choice but to leave my little therapy aside for now and listen.
- Hm?
- I think it's about time we share our poems. Depending on how it turns out, we'll see what we're doing tomorrow, so please come to the front so I can start explaining things to you -After that teacher-like talk, Monika goes to the front of the classroom, where the other girls are sat and waiting.
I sigh. I feel really demotivated, so I'll just listen and try to do the less effort possible while I'm at it. I leave my things on the desk and stand up to go with them, poem in hand. I just hope they don't do unnecessary commentary about it and just go like "It's good" or something. But knowing them, that won't be the case.
- Okay, everyone! As you may know, today we'll be sharing poems again. But I would like to make it different this time so we don't have as much trouble as we had at first -She stays silent for a moment and looks at us, like waiting for an interruption. I can never tell what's in her head- This time, we'll share poems one by one, so that each of us reads them and make our own conclusions. Besides that, I think that will give us the perfect opportunity to share more deep thoughts we may have about what the other writes! Maybe yesterday's way was a little too rushed, so I'm trying to make some changes so that everyone feels better here.
Sayori looks as excited as a puppy, and I think I can see Muraoka smile a little. As for me, I don't know what to say. I guess Monika really does takes us seriously after all. But I can't get myself to say anything at all, nor do I want to. So let's just get this done.
After Monika says a few more things, she decides the order in which we are gonna share. I guess it makes sense, since we are just four people. It shouldn't take that long thanks to that. Even an unpopular club has its advantages. In any case, turns out the first person I must share with is Sayori. And in my opinion, Sayori's the best person I could share my poetry with, since we are similar in some ways. Although, she's more of a dummy.
We go near the window so we can have better lighting, and then we sit.
- Alright, Natsuki! How do you think we should do it?
- Huh? We just give each other the sheets and we read, duh.
- No, you don't get it! -She shakes her head really violently, like she just witnessed a brutal mistake from my part- I mean, like, should we read our poems at the same time? Or should we read one first and talk about it?
- I'm feeling lazy, let's just read and nothing more.
I hand her my poem and wait for her to grab it. However, I'm left hanging, and when I look at her I can see her puppy eyes looking at me with the most tragic attempt of make me pity her.
- What?
- Don't you think the other option is more fun?
- Why did you even ask me?
- Come on, let's try that! Isn't that more fitting with our club?
- I can't really deny it... Alright, fine! Which one first?
-Mine!
She immediately hands me her poem, almost shoving it completely on my face. Before she gets to that, I grab it. Jeez, why do I must be in this kind of situations all the time when I don't want to... So anyway, I find myself with no other option than to read her poem. Hopefully she won't yell at me for not reading it aloud.
After fully reading it, I realize something I didn't expect to happen: I didn't get the grasp of anything the poem was trying to say. The only thing I got after multiple times was the title, "Sunflowers". But my head is all over the place, and so I can't get myself to comprehend what's written on the paper. I don't wanna take much more time because it'll be way more overwhelming, and Sayori surely will get mad, so the best I can do is what I'm best at: pretend.
- Huh, this one's really good. Although I'm not in the best conditions to fully understand it right now...
- Oh... Are you okay, Natsuki?
- Yeah, I've been having bad sleep, that's all... But anyway, I'm sure that if I read it another day I'll be able to appreciate it at its fullest.
- You think so? Then, after I share it with the others, I'll give it to you!
- Huh? That's not... Alright, fine -I just give up in the moment. With this type of things, Sayori is as stubborn as a mule- Okay, I think it's my turn now. Here.
Sayori receives my poem with energy. Too much energy, in fact; I almost had a heart attack thinking she would rip it in half. But quickly enough, she starts reading, and not long after, her face begins to show clear signs of confusion. Huh, I didn't take Sayori as someone who doesn't understands poetry like that. And my poem isn't even as complicated as the usual stuff. I wonder what could be wrong...
- What? You don't like it?
- Uh, it's not like that... It's just, well... -She avoids my sight, as if I was about to get mad- It doesn't really look like a poem...
- Huh?! What do you mean by that? Give me that! -Without a warning, I take the sheet out of her hands to see.
Maybe it was more abstract than I intended it to be. But after a quick read, the idea leaves my head, and I can feel how my face starts to burn. I don't think I've ever been as embarrassed as I am now that I see this. This is not my poem... It's my shopping list. Today I was supposed to go get some bakery ingredients to make some cupcakes, and I left the note next to the poem I wrote. I didn't give it much thought when preparing for school, so I just grabbed the first thing I saw in the morning.
- Are you okay, Natsuki..?
- Uh... Turns out I gotta leave early today, so... Goodbye!
Without giving her time to react, I run towards my things and grab them in a hurry. I leave with fast pace after that and go downstairs, only stopping at the first floor. Once there, I sit on the floor and cover my mouth. I didn't notice earlier, but my breath is agitated and I'm all sweaty. Crap, I think I did it again... Should I go back? No, that would only make things worse. So stupid! Why did I even run away in the first place?!
- Uhm... Excuse me, miss, are you-..?
- I'm fine, leave me alone!
I don't care who he is. I'm heading home. No, I should go buy the groceries first. Baking cupcakes will surely make me feel better. Yeah, I should go now.

•••

- Jeez, I didn't remember this stuff to be this expensive... Can I even afford it?
Looking at the prices, I can confirm two things: that I have no money, and that buying things from stores I'm not used to is a heavy mistake. But I'm kinda tired of doing the same cupcakes over and over again, so maybe this time I'll make something more simple. Maybe I can work with whatever leftovers are from other occasions.
- I just hope my dad didn't find them already... It'd be my end.
Walking back to my house, I think of everything that has happened today. In the end, everything happened because of me, I'm the one to blame. I know that... But I don't think I could ever admit to that. And what's worse, that would mean I'd have to apologize with that idiot, and now I can't even bring myself to look him in the face! I'm getting mad just thinking about it. Okay, that's it, I'm gonna enjoy whatever's left from my evening at its fullest, and it's gonna be awesome! My dad won't be back until early in the morning, so it's my chance!
Finally I arrive to my house, the safest and most dangerous place, two in one. But for now, I should be safe, so I'll put my worries aside and take care of everything that could bother me first and then I'll take my time to do this. If they turn out to taste good, I could even bring them to the club tomorrow. Ah, but I still have to come up with an excuse to tell Monika, otherwise they will interrogate the hell out of me.
So in any case, I have to make dinner, clean my room, and pick up the clothes my dad left to dry earlier. After that, everything should be fine. But before I can start, my phone starts ringing. I get scared just from hearing the tune. Could it be my dad? He should be very busy right now, but I know he can be kind of unpredictable. I can't do much but to cross my fingers and answer, with my eyes closed by reflex when sliding the answer option.
- Hey, Natsuki! Finally, I've been calling you for ages!
- Huh? Sayori?
- Who else, dummy? So listen, earlier I got really worried when you ran out like that, and I still don't know what to tell Monika! I just want to make sure you're alright...
Ah, of course. Now that I think about it, dad has never called me from his work, not even once. Why would now be the exception? But even if I know that, Sayori's voice soothes my mind to the point where I can't feel my heartbeat anymore. What a relief.
- Of course I'm alright, I just had something urgent to attend to. Oh, by the way, I'm bringing cupcakes tomorrow.
- Eh, really?! I mean... -I can hear a subtle cough from the other side of the phone- Well, it's nice to know you're alright, now I can sleep better! Oh and you better bring your actual poem tomorrow, too!
- Please forget about that already, jeez...
- Anyway! I gotta do my poem, or else I'll forget about it again. See you tomorrow, Nat!
- Sure, see ya...
Always in good spirits, I see. Well, I can't be less than her! I have to make an effort too if I don't want to ruin everything again. And I guess I should start by apologizing... Ugh, what a nuisance. But it can't be helped, that's something I have to do if I want to relax.
- Okay, enough with this crap. Let's get this done!