ʜᴏʟᴅ ᴏɴ || ɴᴇᴡᴛ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

{13} a warm welcome

"Give Winston the gun." I clarify. "How were you able to hand our friend the weapon that'll end his life?"
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This seemingly catches him off guard. He clears his throat, shifting his body to sit up straighter.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up." I quickly say as my brain finally catches up, knowing the topic is still fresh and painful for all of us. "Forget I said anything..."

Another wave of silence washes over us, except for the first time in a long time I feel a bit uncomfortable because of what I had regrettably said. I'm so stupid, how could I ask that?

But instead of dropping the topic, he unexpectedly answers.

"He was suffering." he says, his voice gentle as he talks. "I can't watch my friend go through that pain, knowing what the inevitable outcome was going to be no matter what we tried. Nobody deserves to suffer that."

He voices the exact thoughts going through my head, but I still don't get it. If Newt felt the same, how come he could help our friend one last time but I couldn't? None of us could.

"I knew no one else could do it." he continues as if reading my mind, blankly staring down at the sand in front of him. "I understood him and it scared me, but I knew I had to do it."

Oh.
I had known why he did it, I just didn't know how he could. But just from that, I think I get it.
Newt's the only one who truly understood what Winston needed because he'd been there himself. And he's much stronger than any of us are.

"That's brave. I know it wasn't easy."

"In a way, it wasn't difficult at all." he admits. "As bloody horrible as that sounds."

I gently shake my head. "No, I get it. You saved him."

We both turn our heads to look at each other. With my head resting sideways on my arms, our eyes connect and the smallest smile of thanks tugs on his lips.

I give a small smile in return. After today, I just want to focus and enjoy his presence beside me. So close, if I shifted a couple inches to my right, we'd be touching.

But as a new thought rose up in my head, my smile faded and I turned to look forward once again. What if this happens again and we're only given one horrible option? I had thought about this earlier; what if it was someone else. But what if it was me? What would I want?

I feel guilt rush through me with the next words that fall from my mouth without thinking. "I'd want you to do the same for me."

"Y/n.." he softly mutters. "I don't-"

"No." I interrupt, shaking my head. My chest tightens at the weight of my own words.
I turn and look at him again. "If anything happens from here on out I need you to promise me you'd do it."

He's silent. And as I stare into his eyes, I can see the thoughts racing through his head as he debates on what his next words are.

"Please, Newt." I urge.

That seems to give him the final push as he let's out a sigh. "Okay. I promise."

I nod, facing forward again. "Good that."

"You have to promise to do the same for me."

I figured it was coming. And I know I can't be the selfish one after he'd just agreed to do the same, so I nod my head once more. "I promise."

Though I'm not sure if either of us can keep this promise. I say I will but if I couldn't even do it for Winston, what makes me think Newt will be any different.