And...The Rest...

I'm Confused...?

I went upstairs after thanking Johnny’s mom multiple times. I walked into our room and sat next to him on the bed.

“Can we talk…like without the baby. Your mom offered to watch her while we talked. But if you don’t want to right now I totally understand.”

He basically nodded and brought Josey to his mom. When he came back in he shut and locked the door and sat next to me.

“I know we have been both struggling with the parent thing and me being in Cali away from my family. And I know we are both struggling mentally and I just want to say that I am sorry that I am not someone you wanna admit that you’re struggling to and I will always be here for you.”

He looked around and bit his lip.

“I promised my dad…Before he died that I would keep my ground and don’t let my depression crawl all over me. But really not being honest with myself is making it worse. I now realize that my dad is wrong. And that is the only promise I have and will break. I have been struggling worrying about your and my health. I am also scared of being a dad! I didn’t have my dad in my life, the only man that really showed me to be a man is your dad. I am so sorry. I want you to know this stuff.” He grabbed my hand and he started tearing up. There were very few times Johnny would cry. 

“I am sorry…I didn’t know about any of this…” I felt like such a fool. I feel so bad knowing this.

“No no it's ok. Tell me what's on your mind.” He whipped his tears. I couldn’t help but reach over and hug him tight. I let him go after a few minutes.

“Ok….I am in fog, that is so white it seems like a wall I’m walking through. I am struggling actually. I can barely get through the day without wanting to scream and cry. And none of it is about you. It’s just that I am stressed about my future, school, the baby and us.” I start crying.

“And my body is in so much pain and somehow I can cover the pain with a smile to make you and the baby happy. Also being so far from my family and not being home is stressful. I miss my family. I haven't seen them in almost a year. Plus I can’t be separated from Josey. Right now you and her are the reasons right now that I am breathing. I wanna go somewhere with you but I am attached to Josey. Especially since I am going through depression. I feel like all the time I am holding the weight of the world on my shoulders and it never gets lighter, just heavier. I don’t mean to vent to you, I just thought you needed to know what’s going on in my head and why I snapped at you.”

He looked so hurt. He has that look of defeat. I wanted him to know I trusted him with my pain and that he can trust me. 

“I am so fucking sorry I made you feel like this.” Johnny started crying again. 

I pulled into another hug and kissed his head. 

“You did nothing. I am just lost in this brutal world. And it feels like we have been distant since the baby came out.”

I whipped his tears and kissed him a bunch of times, making him smile. 

“I am happy we talked. And that you’re smiling.”

“I know, but let's go get the baby from my mom so we can go to sleep, you have exams tomorrow remember?”

SHIT! I forgot I had regents. I still had to study…

We got up and went downstairs together to grab Josey who was asleep in Johnny’s mom’s arms. I grabbed Josey softly and carefully and brought her upstairs. Johnny followed behind me grabbing my ass. I put Josey in her bassinet carefully and I went into the bathroom washing my face. Johnny came in because the door was opened. He came behind me pressing his tip on my butt. He started whispering in my ear.