Disgust
Sa buong biyahe pabalik ng Manila ay tahimik lang ako. Hanggang makalapag ang eroplano namin. Nakaabang na sa airport ang van na magsusundo sa amin ni Darina. Mabuti na lang din at walang masyadong reporter. Katulad sa eroplano ay ganoon din ako sa loob ng van, tahimik at walang imik.
Napansin kong papunta kami ngayon sa mansion. Agad akong bumaling kay Darina.
''Tumawag ang mommy mo sa akin. Gusto ka niya makausap, Zealia.'' Saad niya.
Nang makarating sa mansion ay ako na lang ang bumaba. Sinabihan ko na rin si manong na ihatid na muna si Darina sa condo niya, para makapagpahinga na rin siya. Alam ko katulad ko ay napagod din siya. Pagpasok ko sa loob ng mansion ay agad akong sinalubong ng isa sa mga katulong. Hinatid niya ko sa may garden, kung nasaan si mommy. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at dumiretso kung nasaan siya. Nang mapansin niya ko ay uminom siya ng kaniyang tsaa.
Bahagya siyang umismid, bago ito tuluyang nagsalita. "I heard you were done filming, Zealia."
''Based on what Direk Allende said to me, I'm impressed—you're really my daughter.''
''Why do you want to talk to me? Para ipamukha sa akin na malas ako sa buhay mo? O para ipaulit-ulit sa akin na sana pinalaglag mo na lang ako noon?'' Tiim-bagang tanong ko sa kaniya.
Umiling siya sa akin at banayad na ibinaba ang kaniyang tsaa. ''Zealia, dear. I wanted to talk to you...'' Tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin. ''Because I want to say how much I'm proud of you.''
''I'm so proud of you, anak ko.'' Dagdag niya pa.
Ramdam ko ang namumuong luha sa gilid ng dalawang mata ko. Kinagat ko ang aking labi at yumuko.
I always wanted to hear those words from her. I've been so thirsty to hear how much she's proud of me... I'm so thirsty for my own mother's validation and attention. Tears are forming in my eyes. Pakiramdam ko ano mang oras ay babagsak ito sa harap niya.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at marahang hinaplos ang aking mukha.
''Zealia, you're my daughter, and I only want what's best for you. You make me so proud by getting that role. You're almost there, anak ko... will you do anything for me? You'll do everything I ask of you, right?'' Kumunot ang noo ko sa tanong niya.
''Ma'am, nandito na po si sir.'' Saad ng isang katulong.
Nanlamig ako nang makita kung sino ang sir na tinutukoy niya. Thiago fixed his gaze on me. His lips formed a smirk, and before his eyes darted to my mother, my mom carefully nodded her head as if she understood what Thiago's look meant, then she faced me again.
Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa sariling ina at kay Thiago.
Marahang hinaplos muli ni mommy ang kanan bahagi ng aking mukha. ''Zealia, I want you to meet Thiago. I know you've met him already; he's your on-screen partner in the movie, right?''
"Thiago is your fiance. You're engaged to him, Zealia."
''You want to make me proud, right? I know you've been waiting for the moment I'll acknowledge you as my daughter; this is the moment, dear. I want you to marry Thiago. He's a great businessman. He can save your Tito Henry's company. Thiago can save us from our debt; all you have to do is marry him. Zealia, anak... will you do it for me, right?'' Saad niya sa akin.
Umiling ako sa kaniya. ''M-Mom... ano bang sinasabi mo? I d-don't understand.'' Naguguluhang saad ko.
Hinawakan niya muli ang mga kamay ko. "Look at me, Zealia. Look at me. I am your mother, and you'll do everything I ask for you... I want you to marry Thiago.'' Saad muli ni mommy.
''Mom, you want me to marry that man? Do you even know what he did to me in Cebu?! He took advantage of me... he r-raped me, mom!'' Gumaragal ang boses ko.
''Pinagsamantalahan ako ng lalakeng 'yan!'' Dagdag ko pa.
Umiling-iling sa akin si mommy at hinaplos muli ang mukha ko. ''Zealia, anak. Kaya nga papakasalan ka niya. It doesn't matter if he raped you; eventually, Thiago will be your husband. You'll do things like a married couple always does. You'll make love with each other.''
''Thiago will help us... tutulungan niya tayo sa mga utang natin. Tutulungan niyang bumangon muli ang kompanya ng Tito Henry mo. Zealia, anak... you have to marry him for me; you'll do it, right?" Dagdag niya pa.
Umiling ako at marahas na hinawi ang kaniyang kamay. Sunod-sunod na bumagsak ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan.
I feel so disgusted with myself. My own mother wanted me to marry the man who took advantage of my inebriation, possibly raped me, and threatened my life. I thought she would finally acknowledge me as her daughter. I thought I finally met her expectations and I finally made her proud, but I guess I was wrong—she never acknowledged me as her daughter. To her, I'm just a price... pabuya sa mga utang nila.
Diring-diri ako sa sarili ko ng mga oras na 'yon.
''Mom, naririnig mo ba ang sarili mo? You want me to marry the man who raped me?!'' Napalakas ang boses ko.
''Zealia, hindi na mahalaga ang bagay na 'yon. Ang importante ay makasal kayong dalawa. Napag-usapan na namin 'tong dalawa. Bukas din ay ikakasal ka sa kaniya... you'll marry Thiago and that's my order. Do you understand me?''
Hindi makapaniwala ko siyang tinignan sa mga mata. "Mom, pinagsamantalahan ako ng lalakeng yan!"
''Binaboy niya ko, tapos gusto mong pakasalan ko siya? Do you have any idea how I felt about waking up naked next to that man? I feel so disgusted with myself! Diring-diring ako sa sariling katawan ko! Mom... he took advantage of me... sinamantala ng lalakeng yan ang kalasingan ko!" Gumaragal muli ang boses ko.
''Eh, kasalanan mo naman pala! Nagpakalasing ka, tapos ngayong may nangyari sa inyong dalawa... you'll act as if Thiago raped and forced you.''
"It's your fault, Zealia!''
''You gave Thiago an excuse to rape you! You gave him temptation! and who knows? Maybe you gave yourself willingly to him and you're just pretending to be drunk... pero ang totoo gusto mo rin naman ang nangyari sa inyong dalawa! Dapat nga magpasalamat ka, dahil ikaw ang napili niyang pakasalanan. Bukas ay ikakasal kayong dalawa!"
''Thiago will help us... he'll also help you in your career. Zealia, anak tutulungan niya tayo. Mabuting tao si Thiago, and I want you to marry him.'' Dagdag niya pa.
Mas lalong bumuhos ang mga luha ko sa sinabi ni mommy.
''Mom...'' Hindi ko matapos-tapos ang sariling salita, bigla ako nawalan ng boses sa huling sinabi ng sariling ina.
Nangangapa ako ng mga salita, pero kahit anong pilit at gawin ko ay wala talagang lumalabas ng boses sa akin. Para akong napipe ng mga oras na 'yon. Kinausap ni mommy si Thiago, habang ako ay naiwan mag-isa sa may garden. Halos bumagsak ang dalawang tuhod ko sa mga damo sa garden na 'to. Hinang-hina na ang katawan ko.
Just what my mother wanted me to do. I was forced to marry the man who raped and took advantage of me. I was forced to marry Thiago. I just feel so disgusted with myself. No words can even describe how disgusted I am with myself... I can't even look at my own reflection the way I used to. I can't even speak... I just feel so disgusted with myself. There are no words coming out of my mouth, no tears from my eyes, and no emotions at all. All I feel is disgust. The reporter took a picture of us. Thiago clutched my waist, and I just stood there, beside him. I can't even force myself to smile... I can't even pretend that I was happy. I became emotionless. I became a puppet of my own greed. My life is already tied to someone else—worse, it is tied to my rapist.
I don't know how I will be able to escape this situation; my life is already tied up.
BINABASA MO ANG
The Curse of the Past (Fairytale Series 6)
Ficción General[NOT YET EDITED] Zealia Devanie Alfaro is one step closer to her dreams. She's a rising actress who, after years of working hard, finally has the opportunity to be the lead star under one of the best directors in the Philippines. But all of her hard...
