She's So Gone

~chapter 2~

Past

I was given a room with two other girls, Erin and Jaymee. Erin is younger then me by three years, and she says she won't be here long, that as soon as her mom gets clean she'll get to go home, and that her mom promised they'd go on a big trip when she does. Jaymee says that Erin's mom has already relapsed three times since Erin was taken by the state and that she's not going home. Jaymee is a year older then me and apparently is in fostercare for behavioral issues. When she tells me things about Erin, it's usually because Erin is in the room and she wants to make her cry. I normally just smile, and tell Erin that it's going to be okay, and her mom will get clean and whatever else I need to say to get her to stop crying. Then I usually tell jaymee that it's great that she's concerned for Erin's well-being and what ever BS that gets on her nerves and makes her huff in annoyance but give up on picking on our younger roommate.
Ms. Jacobs says having me to intermediate  between the two is a blessing. She seems to like me, and she's really nice, Which makes me feel like I should be on alert. I've been to group homes or foster homes before, and some of them are nice, and some of them aren't, it's always hard to tell Which one is which at first. They all pretend to be nice in the beginning. I really hope that Isn't the case here though.

I'm currently reading a book on my bed, trying Not to think about tomorrow, which is the first day at my new school. Apparently the school here places the eighth graders with the Ninth and tenth in the same school and consider it, lower level highschool. I think it's kind of weird and someone explained it too me, but it still didn't make sense.  I'm pulled from my thoughts and the book when, something hits the wall next to me.  Instantly my reflex's kick in and I cover my head, "I'm sorry!" I scream, without thinking.

When nothing happens I uncover my head to see Jaymee staring at me confused and slightly shocked. "I thought it'd be funny to Startle you, you looked so deep in thought, I didn't realize I'd scare you that much." She watches me, still lost as to what just happened. "You look like you might have a heart attack, jeez, I'm sorry, I won't scare you again."
My breathing calms down a bit, and my heart stops pounding as hard as the fear dissipates.  "It's, it's okay," I smile a bit, "I'm fine, just nervous for tomorrow."
She nods, looking as if she doesn't believe me, but she isn't the type of person to care that much about others. "okay, whatever," she then stands up with her tooth brush, and leaves the room. Now that I'm alone in the room I have to fight the urge to cry as the adrenalin from what just happened leaves my body. It's hard not to be scared all the time. Especially when it was just a week ago that I lived in a house where at the sound of a pin drop someone's mood could change.

Present

After she stopped by a few foster homes that were on the way to her office, she then had me wait in her office while she finished up some paperwork at her desk. "If you had stuff to do, why didn't you just pick me up after and also, why are we going to lunch?"
She stops shuffling paperwork and looks up at me nervously, "there's something I have to tell you and I thought it would be easier to do over lunch, plus the group home is way across town and it was on the way from my house so I thought I'd save a couple trips."
I look at her confused, "what do you need to tell me?" The way she's acting is making me on edge and I feel like I Need to be on alert.
She sigh, "I can do this later," she sets the papers down and grabs her keys, "let's go get lunch and I'll explain everything."
I stand up, and follow her out of the room as we leave The DCF office.  I thought we were going to get back in her car, but instead we walk across the street to a diner.  The entire time we're ordering she taps her foot nervously. It's not until the food gets to the table and I'm a couple bites in that she decides it's a good moment to tell me. "So I have some good news and bad news." She says slowly and I set my fork down.
"What's the bad news?" I ask, not really wanting to know, but wanting to get it out of the way.
"Your mother's out of jail," she states quickly, and instantly my heart starts to race and I start to panic.  "She's been out for almost a year now, and she's cleaned up," she tells me slower now. I have a feeling I know where this is going. "She's doing everything the courts have asked of her, and she wants to see yo-"
"No!" My breathing become panicked, like  choking, "walker said,.... wa, walker said, …….I, …..no, I"
She reaches out putting her hand on my shoulder, "it's okay Dani, just breathe, take a moment and breath." She walks me through my panic attack and once I'm able to breath again, I try to tell her again what walker had said.
"Walker said that I wouldn't have to see her ever again, he promised." Just like that, I feel like a  little kid again, helpless and afraid.
She nods, "I know what walker said, and she's not going to get custody of you ever again, this is just visitations, but it is up to you, it's your choice."
I shake my head, "I don't want to see her, ever again."
She nods and there's a short silence for a moment, "the other thing I had to tell you, the good news." She waits for me to acknowledge her and I nod. "There's a few couples that are interested in fostering you.
I look down at my food, "no thank you." I can't make eye contact with her.
"What?" She asks confused.
"I don't want to go to a new place, I like where I'm at." I tell her, still not looking up. I barely just got over the shock of her bad news, why she thought she should tell me these things together, I don't know. All that's going through my mind right now is the fear that I could run into my mother anywhere.
"Don't you want to at least hear about them?" She says shocked.
I shake my head, "not really, I'm safe where I'm at now, Ms Jacobs is safe, I trust her, I don't want to risk it."  I finally look up, and we make eye contact. That's when I know she saw it, the fear in my eyes.
Her face softens, "Dani, these are good people, the first couple has a farm over in sandstone, they've fostered a lot of kids and have even adopted a few."
"You mean the Ables? Have you even heard the stories from the kids who don't get adopted by then, they're racist and they use the kids for free labor. No thank you." She looks at me surprised, I'm not normally like this, so objective, but lately it's been getting hard to pretend to be happy and complacent.
"Well I'm sure that's just rumors, I mean, if there was actual evidence suggesting that we wouldn't still be sending kids there." I roll my eyes, using my fork to play with my food.
"Whatever," I set my fork down and push the plate away, "can you just take me back to the children's home?"
She sighs, "alright, but I'm going to arrange a meeting with the Conners, the other couple that was interested, they live in New Rock, but I think you'd like them."
"Sure," I give her a polite smile, but I just come off as looking exhausted and as if I'm just trying to tell her what ever she wants to hear.