Adorn • Jamie Redknapp

thirteen

A few weeks after telling Jamie about my pregnancy I have my first hospital appointment. Sitting in the car park I feel my nerves building knowing Jamie can't come in with me due to restrictions. I've spent so much time thinking about this moment and I realise now I have to forget about any preconceived ideas I already have of how a pregnancy is supposed to be. We aren't living in normal times and I need to get my head around the fact this pregnancy isn't going to be normal. The way things are going I'll be lucky if Jamie can even be with me when I give birth and that's something I never thought I'd ever have to consider.

"How are you feeling Els?" Jamie asks looking over at me from the drivers seat.

"Jamie I'm so scared. I don't want to do this alone, I have no idea what to expect. I know I've seen a midwife but it still doesn't make going into the hospital alone any better" being a first time mum I have no idea what awaits me and I know I'm not the only one in this situation but it still terrifies the life out of me.

"Just think you're going to get to see our baby and I think you'll feel a lot better once you have. I've been through this before and no amount of leaflets will prepare you for seeing the baby for the first time" listening to Jamie I know he's right. Circumstances may be different but people do this everyday "I know you're nervous but I'll be right here waiting for you"

"I know you will, I think it's just the unknown that's making me overthink everything. It won't be the same but I can FaceTime you from inside so you don't miss things completely and I at least feel like you'll be with me in a way"

"Whatever makes you feel better Ellie, I'm by your side no matter what" kissing Jamie I gather my maternity notes and everything I'll need for my appointment.

"Thank you. I'll see you soon babe" getting out of the car I put on a face mask and make my way into the hospital. The only thing I need to keep thinking is that I'm going to see our baby and it's all going to be worth it.

Walking out of the hospital I feel like a major weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The baby is measuring exactly how it should be and the doctors have no concerns at this stage. I can't ask for more than that, as long as I have a healthy baby that's all I can ask for. Seeing Jamie waiting against the car I practically run into his arms.

"That was one of the best things I've ever experienced, I would've preferred to have you in the room rather than on the phone but I'm so pleased we got to hear his heartbeat. It's probably one of the best sounds I've ever heard"

"What makes you so sure it's a boy?"

"Just a feeling, since we found out I'm pregnant it's all I've thought" getting into the car I hand Jamie a copy of the ultrasound "this is for you. I got a few copies, I wanted everyone to have a copy if they want it"

"Ellie this is incredible. Come February there's going to be another Redknapp on the block. That is if you want the baby to be a Redknapp, you might want to go with Thomas"

"This baby is a Redknapp just like his dad and brothers" I want this baby to have the same name as their dad and brothers, nothing will ever change that decision for me.

Once we're back at Jamie's house I sit on the sofa next to him, the daily briefing for Covid is playing on the tv in the background but my eyes don't leave the scan photo Jamie is sat holding. We're waiting for Charley to come over to so we can tell the boys about the baby and I'm scared. Telling Jamie I'm going to start dinner I walk into the kitchen closing the door behind me and the tears begin to fall. I just cry. I feel crippled with fear. Not realising how long I've been stood in the kitchen I jump feeling Jamie's hand touch the bottom of my back.

"El what's wrong?" Hearing the concern in Jamie's voice I break down. I sob in his arms "Ellie you're worrying me"

"Jamie I can't breathe" I say through laboured breath tears soaking my face and Jamie's T-shirt.

"Deep breaths Ellie. Copy me" as Jamie takes breaths I regain my composure and follow his breathing until I feel like I can breathe properly.

"I feel so overwhelmed Jamie and I'm scared. I want this baby don't get me wrong but I'm terrified knowing I have to give birth. I've never felt so scared in my life" The thought of having to give birth fills me with a fear I didn't know could exist. I'm well aware I'm not the first and won't be the last to be pregnant but right now I feel like it's something I just won't be able to do.

"What is it you're scared of? I completely understand you're a first time mum and this is all new to you"

"I'm scared of the unknown especially this whole situation we're in, I could have to give birth without you there. I'm scared of the pain I'm going to be in and I know that sounds ridiculous because people give birth hourly. I'm scared I won't be a good mum"

"Ellie you're going to be an amazing mum I've seen how you are with Charley and Beau. There's not a single doubt in my mind about you being a good mum. Any fears you have we're going to talk to a midwife about and we're going to help you" feeling Jamie kiss the top of my head I relax in his arms. My fears aren't going anywhere but talking to Jamie about it has definitely made me feel slightly better.

Sitting around the dinner table with Jamie and the kids I take in the scene in front of me, discreetly stroking my stomach knowing that this baby will be part of this one day with its brothers and dad. I know eventually this news will be public and I know everyone will have an opinion but this is what matters. If the boys are happy then I'll be happy. To me no one else has a reason to have an opinion. This is about Charley and Beau. Giving Jamie the look I indicate I'm ready when he is. These are his kids and as much as I'm here I feel like this is news for him to tell, not me.

"Boys can you listen to something I have to say for just a minute?" I can tell Jamie is worrying about how nervous I am but this is not about me "you know I love you both so much, you're my greatest achievement in life and nothing will ever change that"

"Where are you going with this dad?" Charley asks looking between me and Jamie trying to work out what is going on.

"Look what I'm trying to say is I'll always love you both, you're my sons and I know Ellie loves you as well which is why we wanted you two to be the first to know that me and Ellie are having a baby" as the words leave Jamie's mouth it feels like the world is going in slow motion. It's like I'm having an out of body experience.

I'm in the mix of a combination of "are you serious" "no way" "this is the best news" I don't know who the words are coming from but I'm pulled out of my trance when I feel two pairs of arms around me. Charley and Beau both have their arms around my neck hugging me where I'm still sat in my seat and can't hold back the singular tear that makes it's way down my cheek.

"Are you okay Ellie?" Charley asks the same concern on his face I see in his dad all of the time.

"I'm fine Charley. It's happy tears. All I wanted was for you two to be okay with this" looking at the smiles on the faces of the three Redknapp's in front of me I know we're all going to be okay.

"Why wouldn't it be okay with us?"

"Because a lot has happened since I met you both Charley and ultimately I'm not your mum" I think one of my main fears in telling the boys comes down to the fact I'm not there mum. I'm an outsider who has came into an established family and there's always a chance that it'll be unpredictable.

"You might not be our mum but you're like a mum to us Ellie and you made dad happy" listening to Beau say that to me completely sets me off. Standing up I wrap both boys in the biggest hug. They truly are amazing kids and I'm lucky to have them in my life.

"You have no idea how proud I am of you two boys, we both are" Jamie joins in the hug and the love he has for his boys is written all over his face. Once the commotion settles, Jamie and I go over a few things with the boys; when will the baby be due? Do they want a brother or sister? I want them to be as involved as they want to be and if they're asking me questions I'll do what I can to answer them. The main thing for us is that the boys don't tell anyone until we're ready, probably made easier by the pandemic but eventually we will have to tell my family. That itself is going to be a whole different argument and I already dread the day I have to tell them.