I See Red // Crowley

27 || WILL YOU REALLY FIGHT FOR ME? UNTIL IT KILLS ME

It was quiet out. The sun had set only moments ago and the first of the winter darkness began to loom over the snowy streets of Sioux Falls. The sky above was slowly filling with clouds, preparing themselves to rain a fresh sheet of snow down onto those brave enough to venture out into the icy chill of the night, which in this case just so happened to be Crowley.

It's where he'd been for upwards of an hour now. Standing at the end of the driveway with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets as he did nothing but stare out at the street in front of him, watching as the snow that littered the road wore down with each heat-filled car that drove past him. He didn't care that it was freezing. The cold didn't bother him, and whilst he could feel the sharp sting of it against his warm skin, it didn't cause him any sort of pain or discomfort.

If anything, it brought him a touch of relief to feel something other than the small pieces of his heart that had recently shattered inside him. The ones that now felt like they were flowing throughout his body, transferring the excruciating pain in which he'd succumbed to to every single part of him they could reach until they had paralysed him completely.

And they were close. He knew they were. He could feel it. The heartache deep in his chest was relentless. No matter what he did, or what he told himself might miraculously happen, it continued to chip away at his soul and he knew it was only a matter of time until he broke completely.

It's why he'd come outside in the first place, to try and stop it from happening. Why he tore himself away from Selina's body that still lay on the dining room table. Cold. Stiff. Withering away into nothing as the hands on the clock ticked tauntingly by. He couldn't handle being near her anymore. He couldn't handle seeing her like that. Watching as the colour of her skin faded and was replaced with the sickly shade of death as the seconds passed by in which the realisation that she was never coming back slowly began to weigh heavy on his shoulders. 

Crowley had never felt like this before. So numb, yet so paralysed with emotion that his whole body felt like it was three times heavier than it should have been. He hadn't even felt like this when he first had to let Selina go, because at least then he knew that she would still be out there somewhere. Breathing. Living her life, and whilst she may have been depressingly heartbroken, she would have still very much been alive. But now she wasn't. Now, because of his own stupid, idiotic decision, Selina was dead and the worst part of it was that he had no idea where her soul was.

No one could find it. Not himself, not Castiel, not even Heaven as a whole could pinpoint where Selina's soul was and perhaps that's why this was so much harder on him than it should have been. If she was in Heaven, then at least she'd be at peace, and even if she hadn't gone upstairs where she belonged and instead descended into the pit, he'd still have been able to find her. He'd have been able to track her down, save her from whatever torture she might have been enduring and bring her back to him. But he couldn't even do that as no matter how hard he looked or how many demons he had scouring every inch of Hell, Selina was nowhere to be seen.

Her soul was lost, and with it, so was his own. He was beside himself with grief — something he'd never once experienced and that's partially why he'd eventually ventured outside. He couldn't let those who'd come back into the living room see him crumble at the mere thought that he'd never get to see Selina again. That he'd never get to see the smile she had that left him weak at the knees each time he was lucky enough to be with her. He'd never get to hear her voice again, or the way she would snort softly each time he had her laugh until she cried.

He'd never get to feel the soft warmth of her touch on his skin when she would cup his face, drag her hands down his arms and chest or even something as simple as holding his hand. But worst of all, he'd never get to see the glisten in her gorgeous eyes when she looked at him, with so much love clouded over her pupils that he almost couldn't believe it was directed at him. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve her love, yet he was somehow lucky enough to have gotten it.