I wallow the week away just like the several before this one. I've conditioned myself to a strict schedule : wake up, go to school, and come directly back home. There's no use in wasting time anywhere, no place really has felt that welcoming. Since my parking lot explosion with Johnson, and the entire school suggesting i've made a move on him, and jack blowing his exhaust in my face, and my outburst in church - I think indoors is where i didn't make an ass of myself.
The weekend comes as quick as the last but unlike any other weekend there was no outlet - no more random smoke sessions in fact, i'm too behind in school to let anything else cloud my mind.
As i'm writing the date on the corner of my english draft i notice what today actually was. Saturday, september 10th. Today was Gilinskys birthday, the big peak party i planned for him was unplanned and Im not even sure if i would be invited anymore. There's no use in dwelling in it. Even if i was invited miraculously I couldn't push off this school work for another week. Without the fogginess clouding my scattered mind, I had no choice but to let the fear of failing my last semester take over.
Three rhythmic knock pulls me from my zone, it's my moms code so i don't race to open it like i would my dad. At least with her i know there's not the possibility of a life changing emergency when I open the door.
"Charlie, baby?" She calls from behind the door, I finally give it my attention, "You have a guest."
I swing open the frame staring directly at the small girl behind her, "Noelle."
My mom smiles at me, "Your father will be home soon."
It's the premature warning so i don't get caught with uninvited company without a formal introduction. He'd considered it rude, so i'll try my best to make sure they don't cross paths. My mom disappears down the hall leaving the two of us and I hesitate to let her inside at first.
"What are you doing here?" I ask her slowly, closing the door behind us.
"Just checking in," She says with a shrug, her eyes scan over my unsorted desk, "It's Saturday and your doing school work?"
"I've got nothing else to do."
"You still have to go to G's party," She tells me, "Or did you forget it's his birthday?"
I laugh at her ridiculous offer, "No, absolutely not. I'm done putting myself where i clearly don't belong."
She rolls her eyes playfully, "You belong with Jack."
I shake my head marching back over to my cluttered desk, "He doesn't want me there Noelle, you gotta know that."
"You'd be surprised at how arrogant the asshole is," She encourages, "I've already asked James to give us a ride, he's waiting outside actually."
I stare back over to her disappointed, "You should've asked me."
"You would've still said no," She pushes with a shrug, "Charlie, being cooped up passing the time with distracting activities isn't the healing you think it is."
I scoff to her, "And a party where everybody hates me is?"
"Everybody will be too drunk to hate you."
I cross my arms over my chest not wanting to give in, but just like everyone else on her friend group - they were pushers. Noelle wasn't leaving till she got that yes out of me, and i might just be a people
pleaser because i feel a tad bit bad for making James wait outside. I try to give both of them the benefit of the doubt, they're just trying to help me feel better.
Slowly but surely i will be back to my former self, and i could party with Jack and his friends. But that person seems so far away from me currently, i'm worried what tonight will bring for my person now.
Noelle looks through my wardrobe as i prepare my hair and skin for the clammy September weather. I'm worried to let Noelle dress me but i know i don't own anything she can't turn too provocative. There's also a lot i can get away with now since the hand marks of johnson have finally disappeared, somehow my need for a coverup at all times hasn't subsided yet.
We leave the house before 9:30, i didn't need anymore awkward run ins with my dad. Whatever i don't finish I make do in the car, Noelle even suggest i try her pink lipgloss since i'm only wearing mascara. This was the first party i've attended since school started back up and instead of walking in hand in hand with my boyfriend - I'm walking side by side with his best friends, which as so many people have mentioned I have a thing for.
I don't scan the crowd this time around just to prevent any anxieties, I didn't want to think tonight, I honestly don't even want to be here tonight either. This was Jack's party and we haven't spoken in days - does he even want me here? does anyone?
I force myself to snap from my thoughts before they sink any further. Once again tonight I am not here to think, in fact where we're the drinks at?
"Are you driving?" I ask James.
He shakes his head, "It's a party, you know me."
"Well who's going to drive us back home?"
Noelle puts her hands up not willing to give up her fun for tonight to drive either.
James looks down at me as approval slowly washes over his face, "If you want to drink tonight then I won't, you need it more than me."
"I don't want to stop you from having a good time James," I sigh.
He shrugs carelessly, "There's other party favors that'll keep me more than elated. Have a drink Ryder."
We reach the makeshift table with three different sets of coolers on top of them. One filled with Water bottles and Juice, the other filled with drink coolers and the last filled with the hard liquor. I eye the liquor cautiously, i've seen Jordan hungover many times to know that if I want to forget anything for the time being these would do it.
I wonder if she's here and if she's at least having a good time. Maybe she's with Jack or Kami talking about how much they can't stand me anymore.I reach into the last cooler pulling out a clear bottle covered in water droplets. James takes the bottle from my hands to read over it.
"Wow, you're really gonna dive in tonight huh?"
I look up to him, "Two shots. Nothing more."
He doesn't think twice as he opens the bottle up, I shuffle around the table for two empty plastic cups and setting then out for James to pour our shots in. I watch him carefully top the small glasses off before setting the bottle down and hanging me my glass and Noelle grabbing one for herself. Every time I drink i'm always with James, to think i've had a friend in him more than anybody else at the moment.
"Bottoms up," Noelle toasts, I follow her steps by tapping the cup on the table before throwing the shot to the back of my throat. It burns going down and I'm reminded why I never drink in the first place. Before I can recover he's already handing me my second shot, this time Noelle doesn't wait for me before she downs the shot herself.
I lift the glass to my lips and hesitate before throwing my head back and taking the hard beverage down - the kickback still horrible. I stick my tongue out as I shake my head as if that'll help, once i'm recover I glance over James shoulder to the boyfriend I wasn't sure I still had.
Gilinsky stands near the edge of the peak with a matching solo cup in his hands and the other shoved in his jacket pocket for warmth. He doesn't look like he's enjoying his party as much as he planned for it but I think I can only blame myself for that - I knew I shouldn't have showed up.
I look away from his hard gaze first distracting myself by reaching into the ice cubes for another drink. Hopefully just sipping on this throughout the night will get me through, at least till my shots take over.
"You said two shots, nothing more," James reminds me, he nudged the dripping bottle in my hands.
"Exactly. Two shots, nothing more," I shrug, I begin to open the bottle, "This is like soda, come on."
