I hate him // Minsung [Eng]

25

Han p.o.v.

'Alien' is the most personal song I wrote. I just putted my heart on the paper for that. So, singing it live in front of all STAYs and members will be a strong emotion.

But I can do it. I want to do it.

The stage is mine, halfway through our concert. Felix, Changbin and Hyunjin by my side to support me, while the other members are changing.

Maybe I'm glad Minho isn't there to hear me, even if I would like him to listen to my words. He already knows the song obviously, but I wish he could hear it now, now that I don't think he hates me anymore.

I start singing, my voice is shaking. It's not perfect, but it doesn't matter. That's not what matters for this song.

The STAYs applaud me. I feel stronger, singing these words that scream loneliness and incomprehension, two constants in my life.

"I'm just lonely, someone reach out your hand for me, hold me please"

This sentence sounds strange to me, for the first time. For the first time I'm no longer thinking about my brother, singing that part. I know he won't come back.

For the first time, I'm thinking of someone else, a boy with big eyes and a mischievous grin on his face. A boy who didn't understand me, didn't appreciate me, and now he's the only one who seems able to.

And I hope that he's watching me from behind the scenes. I hope that he's listening to me, finally getting what he means to me.

I finish singing, my eyes shining, my voice struggling to keep up. But I'm happy, happy to feel less alone thanks to the Stray Kids and, in particular, thanks to one of them. 

The concert ends, but my heart won't stop beating in a rhythm that I think is the rhythm of happiness. 

We head out after greetings, Minho is by my side as usual. After saying goodbye to the cameras and thanking the staff, I grab Minho by the hand and pull him. I want him to follow me.

He comes with me without speaking but I know he's blinking in puzzlement. I need to be alone with him for a moment.

I'm so excited about this concert, this evening. I feel so euphoric that my heart could explode.

I drag him near the bathrooms, which is the only place I know the cameras won't follow us, and give him an impulsive hug.

«Woah, are you okay, baby?» he questions, worried. I nod against his chest and feel his arms around me.

I feel the tears flowing down my face like waterfalls and I have no intention of stopping them. I cry, sob, but I don't care. It's a liberating cry and Minho is with me.

He keeps stroking my back and hair:

«Do you want to tell me why are you crying, Hanie?» he asks in a whisper.

I just break away from him to look into his eyes. I must be awful right now: sweaty, makeup smudged from tears, red nose.

But I don't care, he knows me.

«I sang Alien» I sigh, between sobs.

«Yes, jagi, you did it. You were amazing.» he says, with a proud look

«Did you hear me?» I ask, hopeful.

He nods, caressing my hair.

«I'm just lonely» I start to intone in a soft voice, «Someone reach out your hand for me, hold me please» I sing, hiding my wet face in his chest.