|{Harlem Bell}|
Staring at the ceiling, my mind is racing so loudly I could hear it. Five hoodies on and I'm still cold to my bones...perhaps it's not even that cold, it could just be chills from the deep dark and heavy thoughts racing through my mind just like it has for the past couple of years. Bad decisions upon bad decisions led me to where I am now, laying here wondering if taking the easy way out is the best thing to do, I mean it would certainly save a lot of people some grief.
Alicia wouldn't have a reason to nag 24/7, my uncle and cousin won't have a reason to be tryna kill me, and TJ won't have to— honestly I don't know what I could do to make him not hate me anymore. I think that ship has long sailed.
I failed him.
Over and over and over I failed TJ, the boy I swore to love and give the world to, because I couldn't man up and live in my truth. So instead I chose my career and a fake life over him, and in doing so let another man be more of a father to my kids than I am.
My father would be so disappointed in me.
He was alot of things in his life but being a dad was the best part of him, maybe if he were here I would've been a better man. I miss him sometimes, I wish he were here, at the very least to make his brother back off of me. I wish he were here to show me how to put my life back together.
My mother would be very disappointed in me. I could just hear her now, 'I thought you better than that Harlem' she would've said.
Too bad mama your son turned out to be a wimp.
My mom's death really fucked me up, more than I realized at the time.
TJ held me down at my lowest.
He had our beautiful babies even though he didn't really want them at first, he had them for me because I wanted them. He loved me more than I deserved, but when it came down to it I chose what I chose and now I have nothing.
Yes I meant nothing.
No one knows it yet but I'm getting traded to a loser team where I'd probably be benched forever and my career is pretty much dead.
Nothing can hide under the sun they said.
My teammates found out about my sexuality after all, and it has been hel ever since, mostly because I lied to them from the start instead of being honest.
Which is exactly why I'm back to Lakewood Drive.
I went to see the twins the other day, but I really wanted to use the opportunity to talk to TJ and tell him what was happening before the news came out. But then I saw how he and Amaru looked at each other and decided to keep my problems to myself. They clearly have strong feelings for each other, it was clear as day. I lost the love of my life to my stupidity, and I'd regret it for the rest of my life.
I'm so glad I was smart enough to buy this house at the peak of my career. Along with my three cars, my land in the heart of the city, and saved up some money. Something always told me I wasn't going to have a long career with the part I chose, so I made fallback plans and I'm glad I did. After the news comes and goes maybe I'll apply as a coach in the college I graduated from, and I plan to build a line up of stores to rent in my empty land. I have what I need to lead a comfortable enough life, and provide for my five kids.
My twins already has so much money put away for them by TJ, Tyrone senior, Quincy and Sebby, so they're set for life with or without me, but I'm glad I'm still able to provide for them. Even though TJ never accepts my money, claiming he doesn't need it. Maybe he doesn't, but them my kids too, I want to take care of them. Especially now that Alisha has packed her shit and left me soon as I told her my NBA career was over. She took our kids too, but she didn't go far so thank God for small mercies.
But here's the thing.
Going through all this shit did one thing to me, it hardened the fuck outta me. What was that saying about what doesn't kill you again? It makes you stronger right? Yeah it made me ruthless.
