Unmatched Hatred

Chapter 40

I had dived considerably deep into my thoughts and realized something only after seeing Malfoy alone in the Astronomy Tower. Please do hear me out.

On the first day of school in third year, Malfoy caught me speaking with Potter at the Gryffindor table, right after I had lied to him saying I was heading to my dorm. He then reacted by confronting me in the Great Hall and into the empty corridor.

I'm warning you, Holly. Don't go making friends with the wrong sort.

He warned me at the very beginning. Yet, what did stubborn thirteen-year-old me do? I meddled with the wrong sort. I purposely played into Potter's game, a game I was bound to lose from the start. I gave into all of his empty, flattery words. I drowned way too far into the deep end, never appearing above the surface. I desired nothing but his existence and craved his affection more than anything. I never dared to consider that perhaps our relationship was not meant to be. Though, how could I? Everything had seemed so splendid. I was overflowing with feelings of radiant joy. Then, during the summer is when everything went downhill. Potter started to forget me. I still continue to wonder where all my letters went that I had delivered to him over the summer. I suppose I must accept the fact that I will never know. Just thinking about what I wrote in those letters made me want to puke my guts out. Come to think of it, Potter makes me want to puke my guts out. Why did I even date him? Was I drunk? Well, most likely because thirteen-year-old me thought he was charming. However, he is clearly the opposite.

Anyways, when I still did not listen to Malfoy's counsel, he resulted to threatening me with his words.

You'll see.

Whether he really meant those words, I do not strife to recall anything pertaining to that event. Nonetheless, his threat still did not open my eyes. Instead, it pushed me away.

I then went against Malfoy's will and began dating Potter, breaking Malfoy's heart in the process. The fact that he once liked me weirded me out tremendously. I just could never imagine me and him dating.

Now, it was the day after I had told Malfoy that I was dating Potter. Of course, this leads us to discuss the "big fight" which I mention quite often, though it may not be all that significant. The quarrel between Potter and Malfoy had resulted into a public, verbal fight. During the immature argument between the two, I had stepped out into the middle of it, a bold move which I sometimes regret. It was also the day when I began referring to Malfoy as Malfoy for the first time. It was the day when I decided to stand with Potter. Little did I know that that would prove to be a terrible mistake.

Now we fast forward to the day when Malfoy and I were forced against our will to take a not-so-lovely stroll in the garden of Malfoy Manor.

Now, to understand furthermore as to what I am about to say, let us put ourselves in the shoes of Malfoy for only a quick moment.

Even after I turned my back on him for a hopeless boy, even after creating an abhorrent heart towards him, and even after choosing the side of his worst enemy for silly love, he still persisted in trying to caution me. He still attempted to make me aware of the truth. He tried to inform me on who Potter really was. Yet, what did I do? I denied his experiences. I disregarded his feelings. Instead of accepting the truth that Potter was a liar, I let love blind me from what was real and what was fake. I also let the hate that I felt towards Malfoy get in the way of what could and should have been prevented.

If Malfoy at least still had some hope of saving me from potential heartbreak, then, whether he wishes to admit it or not, he had to have cared. In some way or another, he cared enough to come out with the truth of Potter, even if he already knew I would not believe him. This revelation somehow opened my eyes from a completely different perspective.

I am quite certain that Malfoy hates me, though it is possible he told me off the first night back to school to appear tough in front of his friends. I may never know. All I can think about is what he told me in the garden.

I don't hate you.

Of course, I am not validating any of the things he said or did to me. I just want to be understanding as he said I once was.

I don't hate you. I loathe you. I despise you. I desire to see you suffer and beg for mercy. I want nothing but the failure of you.

We must look at things from a different angle. Malfoy was never perfect, but neither was I. I do not necessarily like Malfoy any better, but my heart did soften a little more towards him. We both had our faults. We both did terrible things. I never thought falling for Potter would separate me and Malfoy. I never meant to abandon him. Perhaps that was why he was so against me and Potter's friendship- he feared the idea of being replaced. However, it's just a theory.

Unfortunately, I do not ever believe that our once happy friendship could ever be restored.

Perhaps it is time I separate myself from Malfoy forever.