Aye, Love!

Chapter-3

Keshav

Running to you.

Looking at my phone I contemplate calling her and telling her what I couldn't tell this morning, that I care for her and that I don't know when, but I started to like her. It was probably the very first time I saw her. It wasn't love at first sight, I don't believe in those, but it was something at first sight. The way she talked openly about men with her friend and the way she laughed and expressed herself like there is nothing in this world that's holding her back. Are all girls like this? I don't know. I have never really had much experience with girls before, especially because even when I talk to them, I mostly don't pay any attention.

I have never seen that side of any girl, probably because girls are hesitant with these things, the carefree one and I thought it was just an accident, but when we started to become friends and she remained the same high-spirited girl that I saw at the registration, I couldn't stop myself from getting interested. She definitely wasn't some random girl I want to desperately pull away from. To me, affection is a luxury I can't afford, and I've given up on the idea long ago. Yet, something about her pulls me in.

It took a lot of afford to tell her to rethink her decision before she confesses, but the truth is, I know she doesn't love me, because I for one, know that love doesn't exist. When she told me she liked me, she probably meant it, but I pulled away when, for the first time in my lifetime, I didn't want to. When she confessed to me, all I wanted to do was pull her closer, right into my arms as I take in that sweet scent of hers, that I've only been getting an essence of from afar. Yet I couldn't, as the minute I realized how deep my own feelings are getting for her, I wanted to run. Like I ran that time. I was a child then, who tried desperately to escape his reality, and I think I've been running ever since.

I rub my eyes and temple as all the thoughts and memories of the past rush back in, and I block them before they could take over the hard-earned peace I barely had a taste of.

I get up and take a shower before I message my friend Madhavan, who's a native Tamilian, whose family lives in Ambur, which is why he had to live in the hostel. I ask him about today's last class, and he sends me a copy of his notes. I sit down to take look at them. In the last period, I couldn't bring myself to go to the class. That's how anxious I was about what Aadhira would say. I skipped the class to get there early, and now, thinking about it is just useless. At least she's now going to take her time thinking it over, which is not a bad thing if she has any doubts about her feelings.

I roll my pencil in my finger, thinking about how I am going to behave with her from now on, though something tells me I don't have to worry about how to act around Aadhira, as she'll take care of it. It was the first time I'd ever had a friendship with a girl, but it is best if it stays that way, because I will never love her. I am incapable of that feeling, knowing how it could hurt people's lives, and wipe out the existence of their happiness. I shake my head and look back at the notes, trying to concentrate. After a few minutes, I fall into a rhythm with reading and taking down the relevant points.

It was not until the evening when Madhavan knocks on my door to ask if the notes helped or if I needed any pointers, that I came out of that trance. It happens often, falling into a routine with studying. Whenever I felt like running, I don't actually run, I study. I study anything that's even minutely related to my academics. It helps me keep a distance from the world.

"I am fine. I was just going through the topics for the next class." I reply when he asked if I needed help.

"You're already going through the topics for the next class? How am I going to beat you, Keshav? Anyway, I am going to my room and will review the notes once more and if I have time, I think I will look into tomorrow's topics too." He says, smiling challengingly. He's a top scholar and one who is good-spirited. He doesn't like to lose but deals with it decently. I turn and was about to close the door when I hear people talking in the corridor about some fight that took place in front of the medical building. I wasn't interested in knowing irrelevant things but it was the name of the person they were talking about that stopped me in my tracks.