when the pain is too much to bear (Fantastic Beast OC tome 1)

I need time

Six days later.

Not again! no! I'm pissed off ! I sigh, I dreamed of the attack again, it's there I don't know how many times. I wake up terrified, when they come back.

Here we go for the day... I got up without waking Norbert. I'm getting tired of these nightmares and sleeping... like this. I'm nervous, I don't know why but I'm nervous. It will pass, it will pass. Breathe in... breathe out... I can do it, I just need time.

I have to do something, diving in the library.

— Rosa ?

It is Theseus, who startle me.

— Again? It's 6 o'clock ! Nightmares? he asks worriedly. What did you see ?

— The usual. Are you all right?" I ask to change the subject.

— You're changing the subject. How are you really?

— I'm doing okay. That's why you became an auror, for your powers of observation," I ironically ask him to stop.

Just drop it, please. I don't want to talk about it. Not the nightmares, not the attack.

— You can tell us about it, whoever you want.

— I don't want to talk about it! I want to forget!

— That's not how it works.

— Theseus ! I snap.

I calm down. I lost my temper.

— I am sorry. You're worried, I need time. I don't want to talk about it.

— Okay ! Okay !

— I'm sorry.

— That's okay. He smiles at me.

I breathe deeply. I need sleep.

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Three days later.

My stomach is upset, I am going back to work and I'm anxious, no reason, but I'm stressing. Going to work was strange, I had a weight in my chest the whole time. It was a bit better when I got to my lab. It's like before, nothing's changed. We need you, these potions aren't going to make themselves. The list is reasonable. Cauldron, here I come.

I really don't feel like going to lunch with everyone. It did me good to be alone this morning. I love Julia, but it's nice to be alone. I'm going to go buy something and go sit in the lab.

Okay, that's good ! What is... Julie ! It's just Julie! She apologize :

— I didn't mean to scare you, sorry.

— No harm done ! I didn't hear you come in.

Calm down, calm down ! My hands shake... It's just Julie !

— How are you ?" she asks.

— I'm fine! I lie.

— I'm getting to work. where are you on the list?

— I .... let you see for yourself. I haven't started a new one yet. I'll be right back.

I need to breathe and be alone. I went to the bathroom. It needs to be alone. Inhale, exhale, .... I repeat this pattern until I calmed down. What is happening to me ? I came back too soon, maybe. I need time. It's not the work that's making me anxious. I love my job. I love it ! Why am I panicking ? I'm giving myself time, I just need to take a breath and understand why. It's .... I can do it. I went back to the lab and it's back to normal. It's just my brain dealing with the attack, it's normal.

Five days later, I decide to get more rest. This anxiety is not going away. I have panic attacks, for the first time, at work or at the thought of going there. The director agreed to me taking vacancies. I found a place, in the city. I'm going to sleep, take some time, relax, write down how I feel, take it easy and we'll see. Thom's, Theseus and Leta tell to see a psycho mage, but I can manage. I almost went into a fight for that. I am more sensitive yes, but if it doesn't subside, it's just temporary. I just need time.

I can see my friend worries. I see it, and I don't like it, at all. Thom's is the worst for me, I don't want to see me like that, or to look at me like that, with his worry eye. I had a panic attack while Leta was here and her look.... It's time I took some time off, alone, and that means telling them I'm moving to my new flat.

— You can stay, as long as you like," say to me Theseus.

— I know, I've bothered you enough.

— You ....

— I've found a flat. I saw it after work, it's free. Thank you, really, for your welcome.

— Rosa.

— I can't keep bothering you ! I say categorically.

— You're not bothering us. Repeats Leta.

— Thank you for taking me in, but I don't want to abuse you.

— Rosa ! You're not bothering us ! Repeats Theseus.

— I'll come often. I need to understand what I feel, to take time.

That's the real reason, time alone, that's what I need ! They get it.

— Okay. Take all the time you need. You can drop by or talk to us as much as you need. say Leta, with a weird smile.

— I know, thank you," I respond with a smile.

— When are you... leaving? asks Theseus. He's not for it, I can tell.

— Tomorrow morning.