alice in borderland 𑁍 one shots

Lost in fire // Aguni x Hatter

Pairing : Aguni x Takeru Danma (Hatter)
Genre : Angst
General warnings : ANGST! mentions of self-harm, major character death, suicide, depression, worry, confession of feelings, betrayal.

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—I cannot believe I'm doing this right now, god! Aguni said to himself, as he took a paper sheet and a black pen.

He needed to express himself on how much Hatter's death left a void in him. How he was a broken man after. The worst thing he had ever done to someone was that. To Takeru and to himself, too. He spent hours, and days considering how he could have done differently.

Oh, how he wished he had discovered a way to save both their hearts from breaking.

But that's the way it is when you talk about love, right? It's vicious, it's painful.

It is the most beautiful thing despite being harsh, nasty, dreadful, and lovely all at once.

Oh... how he regrets killing him. Because now he has no one. Nothing but deeply ingrained feelings he never managed to admit to his best friend. So, the only things he has left are letters and the pen he uses to write the words he never dared to tell him.

''Takeru, my dear;

Do I really need to write this crap down right now? For god's sake, I'm so screwed up. It's like my third letter to you, now. As if that could even make a difference. It doesn't give me the satisfaction it is supposed to. I don't feel like I can ever let you go, because you're still a part of me, the saddest part of me that will never be mine.  But it's either this or saying goodbye. After the accident happened, I attempted suicide. whatever. I remain here. hooray. I'll be completely honest and transparent with you here. I would rather have died in the beach riot. I could have easily been mistaken for the witch if Momoka's friend had not turned herself in. I regret everything. I guess things don't always work out the way you planned them. Could I have changed anything, if I had told you how much I loved you?

Mori-chan, that's what you called me, my love. When you looked at me with those bright eyes, I only saw you, I only ever wanted you. I remember how you told me that you respected me for being strong, a warrior, you used to say. How you admired that l never let my feelings to interfere with things too much. We frequently referred to ourselves as being like two sides of the same coin. But, now, when it comes to feelings, I am a mess. I wasn't like that at all, I was too proud. I never told you before that I have always loved you deeply. And I ultimately lost you, my only tiny hope in this world, and it felt like falling to the ground from the sky.

You were my perfect match, my companion, my soulmate. I desired you. not just sexually, I desired you in multiple ways. I've always wanted my heart to belong to you. I knew you'd keep it safe. But I believe you actually took it with you in the end. I mean, that would explain why my chest feels empty and hollow since you left. I am pathetic? maybe. But it's not like you're here to reprehend me. Or look after me. Or even drink with me. As we did before.

Did you ever remember that night at the beach? That day when you consumed a little too much alcohol? Most likely you didn't remember it afterward. Though I do. I will, always. It was the first time you tried to kiss me, the only time you did, actually. You had asked me to drink together, and you ended up being absolutely wasted. Perhaps I took advantage of the situation, but I didn't want to stop you. You were not being yourself. They say that drunk people never lie but I think you were just lost in your foggy mind. Maybe I should have stopped you, but I was so desperate to feel your lips on mine. And that feeling stayed after that night, it kept growing inside my chest. So desperate for a little drop of your love.

You approached me. Your hands touched my body and I felt welcome. You observed me while I was looking at your lips. You worked up the courage, but you were already so calm and confident. And then you gave me a kiss.

I don't know how long it was, but it was heaven-like.  The way your lips caressed my chapped ones, the way your tongue poked my bottom lip, pleading for access, the way your hands brushed against my hips. It was the most wonderful feeling of my life.

Having you for such a short time and then seeing you being abruptly taken away from me was torturous. I felt as if my heart was being stabbed again and again, millions of needles sticking into it.
I just ended up with a burning pain that I will never be able to soothe.

Nothing's been fair in our story. And I'm so sorry for that. Sorry for pulling the trigger, I was so scared that you would have. But now I realize that I would have preferred it the other way around.
It should have been me. Out of all the people in the world, you didn't deserve that. You deserved to be happy. Maybe we deserved to be happy together, but I'm too guilty now to even think that I deserve to be happy.

You were my other half, and now I'm broken. Shattered. Nothing will ever fix me back up again. No one ever. You didn't deserve to die.

I really wish I had told you sooner. Maybe I should have shared with you my feelings after you kissed me. Maybe everything between us would have changed. I was a coward, though. I remain a coward. Although you never saw me like that. I am not as strong as you thought.

Look, I was scared and I killed you because of that. I am a failure. I'm not sure I can ever start living normally again.

Time, so the saying goes, cures all wounds. If I move on, maybe the pain will gradually start to go away. But that's not what I want, and that's not my wish. I want to remember you, your goofy smile, your little quirks, and your crazy laughs, your strengths, and weaknesses, the beauty of your body and your soul. You stayed positive whatever happened. Right now, I know you could have talked some sense to me if you had been present. You would have told me to stop torturing myself like this. Or else, you would have chuckled and we would have danced together. It always made me forget the problems. Maybe If you were here, I could gather myself again. With you, I could try to relive life. Together, we would have been fulfilled with each other.

But I'll never be able to dance with you again or feel your body against mine or hear your laugh reverberate throughout the entire building.

Because I made the biggest mistake of my entire life.
I killed the man I loved. The man I still love and will love forever.
gone.
for good.
never coming back, so why try to survive, now?
what's the point in all this if I lost you?
Takeru, I can't live without you.''