RE: Gneisenau - Submissions requested!
Subject: New laws (Yes, again)
Message written by: Gneisenau
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Message body
With total exception from international standard navy laws, the fleet of Azur Lane has the ability to implement laws and rules on its own, with a striving goal to minimize misconduct and transgression inside the fleet. Generally, we're trying to change the shipgirls into something other than a menace to normal society.
I know the recent changes have been fierce, and the coming future seems bleak due to the increasing scrutiny. But the abolishment of our exemption is necessary! The war is turning for the worst, and some of our sisters are still inoperative, hiding away within their rooms and still refusing to aid in the war effort.
Also, Yorktown nuked a city—A rather solid argument for continued regulation...
As concluded with this perspective, I have asked the commander if it the Kansen themselves could propose laws to enact within our fleet, so that we can quicken the pace at which we become less cataclysmal to the world. The commander agreed, so long as I myself evaluate each proposal's intentions, potency, and possible outcomes.
To anyone willing to help create a fleet of rationality and function, I implore you to contact me! I will be available on off days, and can usually be found near the training field. Otherwise, just listen for Scharnhorst's consistent yelling, I'm usually with her. It's not that hard to miss.
***
The following are newly introduced laws, written and presented by members of the fleet who are to remain anonymous. They are each evaluated by Gneisenau, and automatically approved by the commander.
***
I. NEVER take Mainz's coffee without her permission, especially in the morning. Attempt just once and I will find you. I'll know your scent!
II. Do not give ratings from 1 to 10 to the resulting explosions of sinking ships. That was my sister!
III. Anyone who desires to be part of the commander's future harem plan are to report to Niimi, so we can determine where in the current formation you can be organized. premature attempts at the commander without the organisation's consent will be acknowledged as an declaration of war.
IV. Do NOT call Belfast English or British. She's Irish. There's a difference.
V. Even if they want to, newly created kansen are not allowed to introduce themselves to the commander until he has paid me $200 worth in summons, Nya!
VI. Nobody's allowed to poke fun at New Jersey's latex fetish.
VII. Urgent request towards everyone to keep Sirius away from whips—Also watch out for handcuffs—and chokers—and belts—and candles—and branders—and blindfolds—and buckets. Yes, especially buckets!
VIII. The Queen's orders are absolute!!!
Addendum: Disregard the above. —the Commander
IX. I'm a bound ghost! I cannot leave! My room is my safe space! No allowed to force me to exercise drills while I'm in my (censored) room!
X. Stop asking Enterprise to 'beam you up.'
XI. Do not use Musashi as a human shield, even if she can take absurdly high amounts of damage without needing help.
XII. If you find yourselves captured by a large bridle, than you have become a pet, and Chapayev your master. If she wants to put a spiked collar and clown mask on you as she rides you like a master on a hellhound, you (censored) listen.
XIII. Do not attach jolly rogers to your ship during spar matches.
XIV. Even if proven to be based on truth, submitting 'everyone' as an answer to the betting pool will not be accepted, and you will not get your money back.
Addendum: The betting on who my next partner in bed will be stop now! —the Commander
XV. Do not secretly pump helium gas into a room during strategic meetings. The majority of our destroyers already sound like chipmunks.
XVI. Stop asking Chesire to recite lines from Edgar Allan Poe.
XVII. We don't need your help whenever the commander accidently gets his shirt ripped open again. The maids already have replacements prepared.
XVIII. The commander himself decides who his next secretary will be. Do not attempt to manipulate this process for your own benefit. Your lifespan will be significantly shortened if you do.
XIX. Stop assuming that literally everyone in port is in love with that idiot! Some of us still have their dignity. Don't get the wrong idea!
Addendum: The previous statement is false. Anyone who claims the above (and is not also Admiral Hipper) is possibly an enemy spy. —Gneisenau
XX. ARE ALL OF YOU (censored) (censored) TRYING TO GET (censored) IN THE (censored) (censored)?! IF YOU DO NOT STAY THE (censored) AWAY FROM MY (censored) CUPCAKE, YOU WILL GET YOUR (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) IN THE (censored) (censored)!
Addendum: What...? —the Commander
Addendum: Don't ask. —Gneisenau
XXI. Can some certain members from the Iris Libre stop announcing to the public that we're on a 'mission from God?' because it took several days to explain to the Eagle Union how we were not actually a Jihad.
XXII. Since it is always possible while on duty to end up in the sickbay, everyone is expected to wear underwear underneath their uniform. I wasn't ever intending on keeping up a list measuring who has the most and the least pubic hair underneath their pants. — Also, Cleveland, that doesn't seem natural. You should probably see a doctor.
XXIII. There is no 'get out of jail free card.' It is the intend that you stay there.
XXIV. If the secretary tells you to go on commission, then you go on commission! She is not afraid to use the naval base's birth control supply as a hostage until you leave!
XXV. Kinu will not start growing a mustache for your amusement.
XXVI. Look, I understand that the World Cup finals are currently playing and all, but someone needs to keep watch during a mission, sisters!
XXVII. Roon is not the boogieman of the naval base. Stop telling campfire stories about her.
XXVIII. Speculations on what the children between the commander and some of the kansen look like must cease, as we don't want the commander to fear future fatherhood.
Addendum: For those that want pictures, we have a folder! —Z23
XXIX. Do not steal Taihō's bra to use as a snowball scoop, even if it's true that she never wears it.
XXX. Nagato indeed has the authority to permit vacations. however, attempting to bribe her with flavoured dango will not work.
Addendum: Disregard the above. I beseech everyone to feed me. Matcha flavour is preferred. —Nagato
Addendum: Nagato's scheduling privileges have been revoked. For vacation requests, go to my secretary. —the Commander
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