Help, I Accidentally Created A Reverse Harem With The Team Fortress 2 Mercs

Nine Grown Men With No Problem Solving Skills

You struggled with the tote, setting it precariously on your hip to move some stuff out of the way, before plopping it on the floor and opening the top. Inside, just as you expected, was various bedding material, neatly folded underneath a few pillows. You click the lid back on, and continue carrying it up the stairs to the guest bedrooms.

The hall is filled with mercs trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. It doesn't seem to be going very well.

"No! I'm not sharing a room with that asshole!" Scout protests, pointing at Spy.

"One of the rooms is gonna have to have three people in it."

"Then put him with Demo and Solly, they won't care!"

"I care." Spy interjects. "Zhe american snores as loudly as an elephant. Demo may be able to sleep through it, but I cannot."

"There's still two other rooms to choose from. Why do you want to be put in mine?"

You were just going to let them figure it out on their own, but as you're trying to squeeze past them, Medic suggests, "Why don't we have Y/n decide?"

All eyes turn to you, in the middle of the group, and you stop.

"Why me?" You ask, "The decision doesn't affect me."

"Exactly!" Medic reasons, "You are unbiased, so you won't have your own interests in mind, even subconsciously."

"Um, Okay, then." You set down the tote to give your arms a break. "So what exactly is the problem?"

"You have four extra rooms, but there's nine of us. One of the rooms will have to have three people in it, but we are... struggling to decide which three that will be."

You nod your understanding, looking around at the gathered mercs and testing combinations in your head. 

Sniper, Scout, and Pyro? No, those two are too excitable together, Sniper would probably want some peace and quiet. You could put Demo with Scout and Pyro- no, if Demo can sleep through Soldier's snoring, then they should be roomed together.

Medic and Heavy want to be roomed together, you think, but would anyone be willing to room with them? Scout would hate it, you can see Spy and Medic butting heads if they're roomed together. Heavy might be the only person capable of dealing with Medic's insanity, actually.

Sniper and Spy could probably get along - but that would leave Scout to room with them and that's what you're trying to avoid, actually. Or you could put Engineer with Spy - they're civil enough to get along, too. 

But then you're back to Sniper, Scout and Pyro. Your eyebrows furrow in frustration. This would be so much easier if you had five rooms-

Wait. 

You do have five rooms, if you count your bedroom. The gears start turning in your head.

"Heavy with Medic, Engineer with Spy, Demo with Soldier, and Sniper with Scout." You say, with a note of finality.

"You forgot about Pyro." Engineer says, and the fire bug tilts his head at you.

"Pyro can room with me." You say, picking up the tote and continuing down the hall to the last guest room. "That way, each room has two people, and the problem is solved."

Pyro hums, perfectly content with this arrangement, and skips down the hall to your room, leaving the other eight to process what you decided. You disappear into the room before they can question you, and slowly, they break off into the pairs you'd stated and choose their rooms.

Once you make sure everyone has the bedding that they need, you can go back to your room. Pyro is seated on your bed, kicking his legs childishly and whistling the tune you recognise from his 'Meet the' video. He stops when he notices you, and stares, waiting for you to say something.