Dirty Little Secret

two

I wake up to the sound of pants being put on. I shift over to the other side and find it empty.

That's when I see Carter, on his way to leave again. I look at the digital clock.

1:00 AM

 

"You're not staying?" I softly ask him.

He has his back facing me while he was putting his shirt on.

"You know I can't." He deadpans at me, any trace of affection from our previous encounter has left his voice.

"Oh." I simply reply. He turns around and faces me, in three strides, he's sitting on the side of the bed. The room is almost plunged in darkness except for the small shred of light from the lamp post that has entered the room through the curtains that weren't fully drawn. Even in the dark, I can see the perfect outline of his jaw, and his tattoos that are peeking out from his shirt. The sudden urge to touch his arms and trace his tattoo surges through me, but I hold it back, not wanting to feel even more vulnerable to him. I reach his eyes and find he's already been staring, who knows for how long. He smiles at me, that famous smile that got me hooked the first time I met him. I try to suppress the feeling of possession so I remind myself, he already has someone to come home to.

Julia Irving.

The thought of double-crossing Julia again makes me sick to the stomach, the look on her pretty face, I can imagine her crying in the bathroom and cursing me if she ever found out. I draw back to myself, which he probably noticed because he puts a hand under my chin and raises my head so now I'm looking at his smiling face. Bastard.

"Tonight was beautiful." He tells me softly, genuineness lacing his voice. My heart skips a beat for a second but is immediately replaced with remorse. Because in our previous encounters, we never really took it this far, and now he has officially cheated on Julia on every level. I try to smile to mask the feeling of regret.

I take his hand and bring up to my face and kiss it. "Thank you." I say half-heartedly. Because if the circumstances were different, this would have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, losing my virginity to the man that I love, but since the circumstances are like this, I feel like the most awful human being on the face of this earth for being selfish and taking someone who's already in a relationship.

Love is a fucking bastard.

 

He closes in on me and kisses me passionately, he pulls away after a few seconds. "I have to go." He whispers, he might as well have told me the truth and said, "I have to go back to Julia now." the thought of it makes me want to vomit so I just nod, escaping his electrifying stare.

He stands up and takes his stuff and heads for the door.

After a few seconds, I stand up and lock it, then I saunter my way back to my bed and regret the most beautiful thing that has happened to me.

A few minutes in my deep thinking, a single tear escapes me.

Mom would be so disappointed.

Mom always knew I was a closet gay. Not someone who wants to become a woman, but rather a man who loves another man. She was always supportive of me and loved me anyways, she never treated me differently, which is why I loved her more than anything in the whole world.

Dad was a different story though. Although he never found out I was gay, he always voiced out his thoughts about gay people. Which I had to sit through almost every day of my life. Mom made it better though, she had always defended me, silently, not hinting my dad about anything. But sadly, cancer took her away at the ripe age of 41. Literally broke my father and I. Mom was our rock.

Dad's never been the same since mom passed. By that time, I was in college, so I never experienced the neglect from him, thank heavens he didn't resort to be a full-blown alcoholic. Although, he does drink more often now. He did resort to being a full-blown workaholic, which did our financial status a whole lot of good.

After I graduated, I couldn't bear to be in the same town again, so I moved to Chicago.

Mom made me promise before she died that one day I tell my father about me. I was hesitant in actually promising because I didn't want my father to shame me. I know, I'm such a horrible person. How should I even expect acceptance from my father when I'm not even confident about myself? If mom was here, she'd cry for me. She was more proud of the real me than I was. If I only allowed it, she would have even bragged about it to her friends.

But I know there is time for everything, and maybe one day I'll finally accept myself like mom did and dad will too.

When I moved to Chicago, I immediately got a job as a financial manager for a really big company here. Just like dad, I buried myself in work to forget about mom's passing. It didn't help me that much because when night time came, thoughts about her plagued my mind, erasing sleep from my system.

And just like a guy in denial of his true gender, I tried all my life to date girls, but not going as far as bedding them, but I just didn't feel a connection. I dumped them or in some cases got them to dump me. One stood out though, Kayla. She eventually coaxed it out of me one day, by far she's been the only girlfriend I had that knew I was gay and still wanted to be my friend. We only dated for a month but ever since then we've been best of friends. She's married now, with two kids and a third one on the way. As for dating guys, I've only dated one guy seriously, Gus. He left for London though and we both decided that long distance relationships just don't work out for both of us, so we broke up in mutual terms.

That was when mom was still alive. She liked Gus. She was also upset about our parting.

And now, here I am, a dirty little secret.

Ever since mom died, I never dated again. Until now.

I know for sure mom wouldn't like Carter.