Dirty Little Secret

three

At 3 in the morning, I finally decide that I miss my own bed and that this motel just makes me feel like a dirty person so I decide that it's time to go home. Might as well do some work now that sleep is out of my system.

I did suggest to Carter once that we'll just stay in my apartment but he panicked and said he didn't want anyone suspecting us, he thought it'd look fishy if he came out of my apartment almost every day and in the wee hours of the morning.

Because just like me, Carter is so ashamed of himself so far as being in a serious relationship with a girl and tarnishing my reputation by making me his dirty little secret.

Some days I regret meeting Carter Williams, but then again, no one has ever made me feel this way. I've never been in love before and fate had to be cruel and make me fall in love with someone who's just ashamed of me as I am of myself.

I met Carter through Julia actually, since Julia works in the same company as I do. She's actually one of my only friends there, and I betrayed her. She introduced me to Carter one day when he came to pick her up. I never thought anything about how he looked at me then, I never entertained the thought of Carter before. That was until I met him again, at a bar. It was almost midnight, and I was intoxicating myself to drown out the horrible thoughts. He made his way to the bar and bought me a drink, we talked for a couple of hours, not noticing how it was already almost 2 in the morning.

He led me out by hand, one thing led to another, we were making out in the dark of the alley. He said he knew I was gay and that he liked me. We never even spoke of Julia, it just became a given that I was now his.

I never protested though, too selfish to give him up. I guess I'm just scared I'll never find anyone who'll love me like Carter does. If you can even call that love.

I reach my apartment and I jumble the keys out of my pocket, I open the door and I immediately enter my room and collapse on my bed.

Crying my eyeballs out.

I can't do this anymore.