Dirty Little Secret

eight

I wake up and feel something kind of hard pressing onto my back and I realize, Carter slept in.

For the first time ever.

My eyes bolt open when I realize our position. We're spooning.

But it didn't make my heart flutter like I expected it to though.

It felt different when I woke up with Lance. A tear escapes my eye and I quickly wipe it away with my free hand.

I must've woken Carter up when I moved because he pulls me closer to him and kisses the back of my head. "Good morning, baby." I only reply an 'Mm' to him and pretend to be still sleepy. I still don't know how I feel about this whole position we're in. Carter shuffles out of bed and I keep my back facing him. "I'm going to cook breakfast." He says as he playfully slaps my ass and walks out of the room. When I hear the door shut. I finally let the tears fall.

I hate myself.

Mom would hate me.

What was supposed to be a speech to end this turned out to another sexual encounter with Carter.

I bring my hands up to my face and cry.

I know I don't deserve this but I keep finding myself with Carter over and over again.

I stand up and head for the bathroom and clean myself. I scrub hard, as if I could scrub off Carter off of my body. I cry into the shower, the sound of the water muffling my whimpers. After I dried myself, I put on some deodorant and put my work clothes on.

I grab a pair of boxers and head out to face Carter. I find him in the kitchen preparing pancakes. He looks at me and smiles but all I can think about is Lance and how he made me pancakes yesterday. It's like a repeat of yesterday, it makes me sick to the stomach and I think I just lost my appetite. I hand him the boxers and he takes them from me, I take a seat on the table as he serves up breakfast.

He looks at me with the biggest smile I've ever seen him in. "Last night was beautiful." He tells me as he sits down across me. I swallow back the tears that were threatening to spill and drop my gaze to my pancakes.

"Last night was a mistake." I say with all the courage I could muster even though my voice was threatening to shake. I looked up at Carter when I got no response and find he's been staring at me. A look of hurt etched on his face. I couldn't stop the tear that fell from my left eye.

"I'm sorry you feel that way." He deadpans. Emotions devoid in his voice. It was too heartbreaking for me to stay there so I stood up.

"I have to go to work. Thanks for cooking breakfast." I say nervously as I shuffle out of the apartment. When I open the door to leave, Carter finally speaks up.

"We're not done yet Ryan." He says authoritatively. I didn't dare to look at him.