Cadence

38. Nirvana

Nicolas

I've said it once and I'll say it again, she tastes like nothing but sweet nirvana. I would gladly die with my head between her legs if necessary. If the only way for her to forgive me was by keeping my head there, I would. Without question.

My erection is painfully hard and straining against my suit pants. Though, I don't ask for her to reciprocate, her pleasure is my pleasure after all.

"Forgive me." I whisper against her lips, begging, needing her to forgive me for all the bad I have done to her. I so deeply need for her to forgive me.

She looks at me with a flash of uncertainty in her eyes, and that instantly flips a switch in my brain, she's considering it. I pray that she'll concede and listen to what I know her heart is telling her.

Looking at me painfully, she speaks, her voice a hair above a whisper, "I cannot."

My face falls, the builder of the walls surrounding my heart adding another brick. I try to run from the feeling, try to escape the hurt and pain her words bring me. But I know I deserve it. I deserve all the pain and hurt.

I always have. My father knew I deserved it, that's why he beat me so regularly. He recognised the weakness in me and beat it out of me. He stomped on it and threw it away, replacing it with the coldness and turned me into something indescribable.

Letting go of her face, I take a step back and take in her shaking form. But, there's no draft in the room, so she's not cold. Then why is she shaking? I raise my hand to brush away a hair from her face, she flinches.

She fucking flinches.

I don't know whether to be angry with her for even thinking I would hurt her in any way, or angry with myself for making her believe I would do such a thing. I resent myself for it. It feels like a stab to the heart. How scared she looks. So very scared.

"Malyshka, I'm sorry." I say lowering my hand and giving her space.

A tear rolls down her cheek, and she reaches down to pull her thong back on.

I've never apologised to anyone before. Not after my father beat me for the first time. I screamed it at him, begging him to stop. I apologised for each vase that was broken, but it did nothing.

So I stopped. I stopped apologising and feeling sorry for the shit I did. Because I'm truth, if I really was sorry, I wouldn't have done any of it in the first place, but this situation is different.

I didn't want to kill her parents, I was forced into that situation by my abusive father. I thought it may make him proud if I listened for once. If I did a good job, and it did. For some time.

"Malyshka please, just speak to me."

She looks at me warily and another tear slips from her eye.

"Please, hit me, scream at me, stab me for all I care, but please, don't ignore me. Don't act like you don't feel what I feel. Don't act like you don't want to forgive me, because if you knew why I did it, you wouldn't forgive yourself for not forgiving me sooner."

"Then tell me! Tell me why, tell me why you killed them! Why you killed my parents, go on, tell me." She shouts, throwing her arms in the air.

I shake my head and run a hand through my hair, I'm not ready to tell her yet. She's not ready to hear it, she's too angry with me. She won't understand, if I tell her now.

"You're not ready for the truth." I tell her, because she's not. And she knows she's not, but she's too god damned stubborn to admit it.

"Yes I am! Tell me Nicolas!" She shouts again, tears now streaming down her face at a faster pace.

I watch as each one rolls down her cheek to her trembling chin, stepping forward I wipe a tear from her cheek and cup her face in my hands.

She moves her head away from my touch, but I don't let her, I hold her face tighter and wipe the tears from her cheeks.

She pushes at my chest, but the action does nothing to move me from my spot. I stay rooted, unmoving whilst she hits and pushes at my chest. Exhausting herself, until she stands still, tears streaming down her face.

"I should've killed you when I had the chance." She bites out, with such venom that I almost flinch.

I push the feeling away and simply say, "We both know you're incapable of killing me malyshka."

She gives me a hateful look, detesting that she knows I'm right. She knows that she couldn't, she can't even push me back. Let alone actually take my life, it would be a rather difficult task and she's far too lazy to even try.

"Tell me." She whispers.

I let go of her face and walk to the bed, I sit on the edge of it and silently prepare myself for what I'm about to tell her.

"My father was never a nice man, he beat me black and blue most days, told me he should've cut me from my mother when they found out I was conceived. He made me watch him torture people, made his seven year old son, watch as he ripped off men's ears. Made me watch him rape women." I focus my attention on the rings on my fingers.

"He was a cheat, he would bring home women and fuck them in his and my mothers bed. I thought, just maybe. If I had the chance to prove myself to him, then it would be different. He would see me as an equal. So when he told me to kill your parents, I obliged. But not willingly, he beat me into submission, and after I did it, he was proud. For once in my life, until he found out I had left the back door unlocked for you to get out." I relive the moment, how I opened her bedroom door when I was looking for her parents room, how peaceful she looked as she slept.

So I left her. I let her live.

"I nearly died that night, his fist flying toward my face is my biggest memory of it. I can remember the sound of my own bones breaking. Can see the blood pouring from each cut he left on me. I didn't choose to kill your parents. I didn't want to. But I did it." I meet her expressionless eyes.

"I did it to survive."

She looks to me, tears pouring out of her eyes. She takes small steps to me, stands in between my legs, and brings my head to her stomach. She cradles my head, and doesn't let go.

She doesn't let go as a tear slips from my eye, for the first time in many years. She holds onto me whilst I completely bare my soul to her, I show her every evil part of my past and she still holds onto me.

It's the last thing I would expect from her, but now she knows. Now she understands.

"I forgive you." She says, I look up at her shocked to my core.

"Really?" I plead. I so need this to be true, I need her to forgive me. I need her. I need all of her. Her chocolate puppy dog eyes. Her long legs, her sassiness, her sarcasm. Her smiles. Everything.

She is my everything.

She smiles a reassuring smile and nods vigorously, "Yes I'm sure, I never stopped loving you. And I'm afraid I never will."

"Malyshka, you have no idea how close I hold you to my heart."

The end.

AN

Word count 1410

Ah, I'm so sad to end this story, I hope you've all enjoyed it as much as I have writing it.

There will be a second story to this series, and there will be updates on Nicolas and Cadence so don't worry, they're not forgotten.

The second book is going to be called Stone Cold, and I will start writing it soon. So stay tuned for Alexei and Francesca's story.

Love you all<3