this is 'me'

i confess

for me, confessing was a pretty brave thing to do, because i am incredibly shy in front of her.

heck, it would be easier to speak in front of the White House than doing what I did that morning.

the previous day, i had texted my friends that i'd confess the next day, so that i don't chicken out at the last moment.

as i looked at her approaching me, my heart raced. it was beating so fast to the point i felt dizzy.

i gave her the letter, saying it's from a girl who likes her.

i saw her making confused faces as she quickly turned to the last page and asked me if her name is written at the end.

i turned back the letter and said, yes, it does have her name but read what she has to say to you before you read her name.

i walked away from her, leaving her in the middle of the field. i turned around when i was far enough from her.

i wanted to get away because i knew she'll know it's me who wrote the letter.

in the end, i wrote "xoxo, topperist" because 'topperist' was a nickname she herself had given me a few months ago. so i was sure she'd know it's me.

i went to my friends, panicking. i didn't have the courage to face her when she came to me.

"Didi topperist kaun hai?" (who is topperist?)

"Main hu gadhi," (it's me, stupid) I said and started walking away with a friend.

that was the moment i realised something.
i had confessed to my first love.
it was something id never thought id be doing. i wasn't that type of person.

i never looked up from my books. i never thought of anything other than academics.

here i am, here is the new version of me. the version which was too scared to come out until today.