this is 'me'

'it izz what it izz'-ing thru life

hey

jinsbestdadjoke here (im regretting this dumbass username goddamnit-)

i believe that as a person grows up, they get,  either gradually or suddenly, exposed to harsh realities of the world.

people aren't how they appear to be.

ive developed major trust issues. genuinity seems unrealistic, everything sounds fake and sarcastic. ive noticed how everyone comes into your life for a reason.

heck, you even make friends for your own benefit. it is because you either pity them, or you want them to get something done, or they give YOU the happiness you've been craving for.

and just like how a little bird leaves it's mother in the nest after becoming capable enough to survive, people leave you gradually after they've got what they want.

another point:

one thing ive heard a lot of times since I was like four or five is, that i always look for an audience and create a scene for no reason.

I'm sure children of that age like to do that, but, somehow, I still do not remember liking the feeling of getting attention from others.
Anyhow, this dialogue sort of found its own spot in my brain.

if I'm being honest, yes, i have found significant amount of joy in making people laugh and im sure this stemmed from what my parents said.

Making people laugh has become a part of my personality, which I really cherish. I like making people happy.

I get into one sided conversations on a daily basis at school.

Maybe it's because I speak too much and care too much. Remove the maybe, yes it is because of that.

You do not look cool if you care too much, laugh too much, say too much.

My life was not that depressing although. I've made good friends too.

One friend in particular, who has been beside me since class 3. She matches my vibe perfectly, she laughs along with me and is always there for me whenever I'm alone.

We were best friends.

But I noticed that she became too dependent on me. Sort of obsessed.

Whenever I talked to or made friends with anyone except her, she strongly made me feel that I'm doing something wrong.

She acted like my wife, literally.

It was my instinct to show that I'm also into her as much as she is. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I hadn't stuck to her as much as she did.

I noticed how being around her started exhausting me. She emotionally consumed me.

She started becoming...a bad friend.

She started giving out my secrets here and there. She started taking me for granted. We fought a few times.

I was the one to apologise, always.

Why the fuck did I do that?

I felt bad. I felt guilt and regret. Why didn't I like her as much as she liked me? Why am i betraying her by faking my friendship ?

When I got into a fight with her one time, I found another friend group. They supported me while I wasn't friends with her, but they also helped me get back with her.

Not gonna lie, being in that friend group was the best thing about my life at that point. I loved them so much.

But of course, the ugly part never fails to return.

That one friend from before and me.

We should have separated on our own. I shouldn't have gone into that group.

Because neither did I deserve them, nor did I do any good to them. Now that I'm not as good as friends with them as I was before, I introspected myself deeper.

You know how every person has a flaw? Something that they're not good at?

Mine was maintaining friendships.

I realise what my problem is. I give too much. I send long texts, I write too many notes, I make them feel too good, because it makes me feel better.

The thing is, of course everyone is not like me.

I drained myself while doing too much, but that doesn't mean the other person is obligated to give back the same effort and energy.

When this realisation hit me, I subconsciously distanced myself. And I regretted this.

A lot.

For the first few weeks, I noticed that now that I don't feel the need to make people feel good, I feel lighter emotionally.

Then the regret of leaving them like that came in.

I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep atleast four to five nights. Memories of me in the group laughing and talking to each other made me cry my eyes out.

I remember how for the first time, both of my eyes were tearing simultaneously. I choked on my tears, trying my best not to wake up my parents in the other room.

I cried over petty reasons, because this thing was always on the back of mind.

The only thought which had the power of making me stop was, rather bitter.
'im sure they're not crying over me. I'm making a fool of myself.'

I'm sure it was true.

I always regret sharing stuff with my parents. Instead of supporting my feelings and helping me they taunted me by saying stuff like 'i change my friendships the way I change clothes.'

I decided I'm going to bring one change in the way I live. And that is going to be,

Living life like a solo journey.

That doesn't mean not talking or being friends with anyone. That means I'm not going to emotionally invest in any person in my school.   I am going to be selfish.

I will only pay attention to how I feel and what I want.

Because i am the only person who was beside me every second to help me get through all this.

that's what I feel is good for my mental health.

I'm too tired to re read this before posting.

I have changed so much. I believe it's the situations life exposed me to to be behind this change.

But it izz what it izz.

You gotta move on.

I hope I can stay strong for a long time.