ivy [jasper jordan x fem! oc]

86 days

86 days. 86 days since the treacherous events of mount weather accord. ive been struggling to keep my head above water, while also making sure that jasper doesn't fall back into alcohol. he's been doing better, i suppose. im just glad that i've been here for him. 

i've gotten used to not sleeping, i prefer it actually. i tried sleeping for a while, but gave up when all i dreamed about was the florescent lit hallways, the sound of the breach alarm, screaming and crying, the smell of burnt human flesh, and cage wallace. 

i dont know how to forgive myself for killing him. sure, he was an awful man and he deserves to burn in irradiated hell, but its hard to wrap my head around the fact that i murdered someone. not even someone, multiple people.   

jasper had shaved his head, and grew out his facial hair. he said he needed a change, and that was the only way to get it.  but im not complaining, i think he looks sexy, more mature. he definitely didnt look like a kid anymore.  

since bellamy told kane i was one of their best shots, i had earned myself a spot on the guard, as well as jasper. nothing has happened since mount weather, our people believe this is real peace, but on earth there is no such thing as peace. 

we've been learning trigedaslenge, during our free time. me and octavia have conversations in the language, and if jasper catches on to what we are saying, he will say something. 

ive been talking with kane, quite alot actually. he may have been a terrible man on the ark, but much like the rest of us, earth has changed him. he is wise, and caring. he listens to me, its like I actually feel heard when i talk to him. he's been helping me get through my best friends death, as well as jasper. 

jasper does everything he can to help me. and i do everything in my power to help him get through his pain. 

on my days off, ive been helping abby in medical. most mornings, even before jasper rises, i train with harper or octavia. 

octavia and lincoln have been together for a little while now, and i have to say they are absolutely adorable. 

jasper fell into alcohol when we had first got here, seeing as he didnt have a coping mechanism. i made him promise me to give it up, and help me get through his pain. 

i feel terrible for him. he thinks that it's his fault for the deaths of our people in mount weather, because he promised to protect them. he even blames himself for me being drilled into. i told him it wasn't his fault, but i dont think it really helped. i just hope that jasper realizes how loved he is before its too late. 

as for the people of arkadia, they couldnt be better. we have food, water, medical supplies, blankets, clothes, and everything else we could need. since skaikru had killed our greatest enemy, we had been given everything inside of mount weather, as long as we agreed to share needed supplies.