𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐒 | 𝐤.𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐤𝐤𝐞𝐫

TWELVE

The Crows found shelter in a run down barn, far enough away that they were safe, and alone. Kaz seemed fairly certain that the Grisha wouldn't be looking for them anymore, since they knew Alina wasn't with them. But it didn't mean they were automatically safe.

Inej glanced at Valya in concern as she lifted her shirt, looking at the wound, her body twisted away to avoid showing the others or sparking worry. "It's not healing on its own," she whispered.

She seethed, Inej sitting her down, leaned back. "Jesper my bag," Inej requested, inspecting the wound.

Jesper grabbed the pouch, handing it to Inej and glancing at the injury, and he gagged. "Mother of Saints."

"I'll do it," Inej told Valya as she went to take the things to stitch herself up.

Valya nodded, allowing Inej to begin her work. Her eyes flickered to Kaz, seeing his glare as he focused on the wound. When he noticed her eyes on him, he looked away, to the floor.

"How long before you can travel?" He asked.

"Not long," Valya answered, glancing down at her stomach. "Where to?"

"Ketterdam." The four of them shared looks. "Between our dwindling funds, lack of time, and conflicting interests -" Valya glanced away for a second as his eyes wandered over to her "- it's time we cut our losses."

He left, Valya watching as he went, and she sighed. "I guess the Bastard misses the Barrel." He looked over to the girls, gagging and groaning when he saw the needle piercing her skin.

"You can watch a bullet tear through a man, but a needle's too much?" Inej scoffed.

"Yeah, well, you see, bullets are bam, in and out. That's... That's just..." He gagged again. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

"In the Menagerie," Valya replied, grunting.

"Yeah, but why would you... Oh, that's dark."

"Which is exactly why we can't do back," Valya stated, meeting his eyes.

"If you told Kaz that story, I think he'd murder Heleen himself."

"Jesper, you're not getting it. We can't go back."

The hurt was visible in his eyes. Valya and Inej were two of his best friends. He couldn't imagine life without them. He understood exactly why they couldn't return, but the idea of saying goodbye to them and having to see them leave was unbearable. It was selfish of him to wish they'd stay, he would never let them back into Heleen's claws, but he didn't have control over everything. They were his family, and he wouldn't handle seeing them leave.

Jesper cleared his throat, making a noise, but cutting himself off. "What?"

He sighed. "Well, I was... I was going to tell you to trust Kaz and that he'd never let either of you go back, but... I don't have the right to tell you what you should do with your shot at freedom."

"You make this a lot harder, you know," Inej told him.

"I know." He grinned. "I'd miss me too. I'm fantastic."

Valya smiled up at him Inej cleaning around her wound, and helping her up. "All good."

𓄿

It was dark, and Kaz hadn't come back inside at all. But a fire was crackling outside, and he was sat by himself.

Valya left the barn, walking towards him. He was cooking something over the fire. "You found food," she noted. "I didn't realise you ate without me telling you to. See, you're growing, Kaz. You won't need me anymore soon enough."

I'll always need you, he thought to himself.

"Are you hungry? Or just saying goodbye?"

She brought her hand from behind her back, holding out his cane. "Jesper fixed it." He took it from her hand, looking at the fire.

"So, you are leaving."

"Do you want me to?" So unlike the girl he had come to know. Her voice was small, sad.

"You know I don't." There was so much unspoken emotion in his eyes, but she couldn't notice that. "You've always been helpful." That was really not the right thing to say. There were thousands of things he wanted to say, he wanted to scream from the roof, but he couldn't. He wanted to hold her, to wipe away her tears, finally know how it felt to hold her hand, to be on the receiving end of one of her hugs - Jesper always said she gave the best hugs.

"That's all you have to say? After all this, everything we have been through. Is there nothing else you have to say?"

"What else is there?" She stayed silent. Was it that she expected there to be more? Did she expect a thank you? A goodbye? Or did she just yearn for something more? For something deeper. "You usually have quite the flair for dramatics, a I'm surprised you don't have more to say."

I love you, Kaz Brekker. Was what she wanted to say. In spite of everything, she loved him. She was an idiot, a fool for falling like this. She knew that well. But it was unchangeable, truer than anything she'd ever known. She could have screamed. Screamed the words or just let all her emotions out in one sharp sound.

Perhaps she expected after all this, he'd love her back. Did she really expect him to love her? Yes, was the answer. After the time they'd spent together, how well they knew each other, the connection she thought they'd had, she had sort of expected some feelings. But this was Kaz Brekker. She shouldn't expect that from him.

"I have debated this entire trip what to do," she said. "I have gone back and forth with myself about what I'd do when it came to this moment. I have listed extensively reasons to leave or stay. Because I didn't know what to do. Thank you for making the decision easier."

It wasn't that she had expected for him to tell her he loved her, or to reveal any deep feelings, but his spite was getting to her. Spite and apathy. She was sick of him masking his real feelings with them, acting as if he didn't care just to avoid confronting how he felt.

She moved to go inside to Inej. "You were right."

She turned back to look at him. She was somewhat satisfied to hear the words, even if she wasn't sure what she was right about. But hearing him admit that she was right about something was always good. "About what?"

"About the Sun Summoner. She's real." She frowned, taking a seat on the log next to him. That was quite a confession. "I've played it over in my head, none of it's a trick. She commanded the light."

"Kaz Brekker has finally found religion," she muttered.

"Don't be stupid."

"Well, if believing in the Sun Summoner means religion in your eyes -"

"Alina Starkov is a Grisha who can manipulate light. I'm saying no different than you."

Everyone believes in something. Not everyone believed in Saints or Djel, but everyone believed in something. Valya believed in those around her. "Kaz, what do you believe in?"

"Myself."

She scoffed, beginning to move away from him again. "Of course, why did I even ask?"

"And you," he cut in. She stopped abruptly, eyes fixed on the ground in the distance, before she looked at him. "And Jesper. And Inej. My Crows."

"Because we're weapons of vengeance? We're useful, we flock to answer your call?"

"Crows don't just remember the faces of those who wronged them. They also remember those who were kind. They tell each other who to look after and who to watch out for." Her eyes stared into the fire, glassy. They truly were important to him. She met his eyes. "No Saint ever watched over me. Not like you."

Those words meant more than could ever be conveyed. So much said in so few words. Those words practically begged her to stay.

"I cannot go back to the Menagerie."

"You won't," he swore.