Midnight Wonders

5.6.4. Time Frozen in a Glass

Waiting was making Luc go mad. He wished he could go back to wanting to see Cora. He still did, but he knew she was all right now. He knew he would get to see her soon.

More maddeningly, he wanted to see Kay. Kay, who had gone again. Kay said he was coming back, but despite the fact that he had come back all the other times when he said he would, Luc still found it hard to believe him.

He was obsessive and he was terrible. Kay was going to be back before Luc knew it. Or so he told himself, even though he had no way of being certain. Though nothing in life was certain, so he didn't know why his mind had grasped this one thing, this one person to constantly be anxious about.

It wasn't as if Kay had any obligation to him to come back. Other than his word, which didn't mean much. Except it did, because Luc held on to it.

"What is wrong with you?" said Tristan, finding Luc sitting in a daze at the bench on the training grounds, and Luc felt that was worded a bit strongly, even though it was a perfectly good and valid and quite appropriate question. Tristan said it mildly, though he seemed well aware of its sharpness.

"I don't know," Luc said, then caught himself, for he did know. "I think I have feelings for Kay."

"I have familial feelings for you, so you must be more specific."

"Not familial feelings," said Luc, though he couldn't even be sure he knew what those were. He didn't even know his family.

"Platonic feelings?" said Tristan, sitting next to him. "Romantic feelings?"

"If you could define either of them for me I might be able to tell you."

"Well, I asked what was wrong with you, not what you were feeling," said Tristan. "What is wrong about your feelings?"

"I feel like I want something from him," said Luc.

"Want what?"

"Him to feel the same way."

"And that is bad because?"

Luc regretted saying anything now. "I don't want to want something from him," he said. "I don't want to feel like he's not...giving me enough attention, or not liking me enough, or not doing enough." He couldn't believe he was saying any of this. Or that he was even feeling any of it. These feelings felt so immature. This felt like a problem one of his students might have. Elementary.

"But you don't?" said Tristan, looking like the embodiment of the scrambling confusion in Luc's mind. "Wait, I don't get what's wrong with that."

Luc sighed heavily. "I don't...I don't even know how he thinks about me. He already knows me. He already has his perception of me. Whatever our previous relationship was, that's how he knows me. But I don't know. I can't know."

"What, you're afraid he used to hate you so now he still does?" said Tristan, raising an eyebrow.

"It doesn't have to be that strong to still hurt," said Luc. "It would be worse if we'd had no close relationship at all before. If we were merely acquaintances. If all he feels about me is indifference, and there's nothing I can do to change his mind, nor can I even blame him, for he knows me better than I know myself, even if he knows nothing."

"Why wouldn't you be able to change his mind?" said Tristan. "Isn't indifference better than dislike? Indifference can turn to like easier than dislike."

Luc shrugged. "If I when I was whole wasn't enough I don't know how I now could be anyone worth his love." He paused. "Maybe I just like attention," said Luc. The problem was that he didn't know if he liked attention in general or Kay's attention specifically.