Midnight Wonders

5.6.5. Time Frozen in a Glass

When Kay came back again, Luc tried not to be too eager and waited a bit after Morgan told him about it to go see Kay. And when he saw Kay, it was accidental. They ran into each other in Elaine's garden, which Luc was helping tend because Elaine wanted to go do other things but didn't want to leave the garden unattended for very long. Luc didn't know why. Everything seemed so constant here, it seemed that caring endlessly for a garden would become useless after some time. But perhaps it was just because she loved her flowers, so nothing she did for them was ever useless.

After the usual awkward greetings, which still were not any less awkward than before even if Luc felt perfectly comfortable around Kay otherwise (except he was not perfectly comfortable but that didn't really matter), Kay said, "I'm leaving again, but I'll be back by Midsummer. I only came by to stop for a moment."

"Why, to see me?" Luc said lightly. Kay just stared at him and Luc thought he might hear an answer that he wanted, so he quickly went on, "Where are you going now?"

"Where else?" said Kay. "Everywhere. There's nowhere to go."

"Are you leaving right now?" said Luc. "Didn't you just get here?"

"I got here. Now I'm leaving. What more is there for me here?" Kay shrugged. "I'll see you at Midsummer." The last time, it occurred to Luc. Because he was leaving.

Kay was leaving. He was already walking past Luc, past the garden. Luc followed. He hoped Elaine wouldn't mind. Kay didn't even acknowledge Luc following him, which made him feel more like a stalker, and the feeling was probably a better deterrent than Kay just telling him not to follow, but Luc had already followed Kay some way and didn't know where else to go.

And it didn't help that Luc couldn't stop thinking about...Tristan. Not really about Tristan, but what Tristan had said. About Kay.

"I know why I've been waiting," said Luc, who didn't even mean to say it aloud.

Kay stopped, looking at him. They'd reached the end of the garden and Luc hadn't even noticed. Chocolate was already waiting there. Kay had been all ready to leave. But he'd come to see Luc first. "What?"

"Never mind," Luc breathed. But he just kept staring at Kay, and Kay kept staring at him, and at once he never minded his never mind. "I think I—"

"Okay," said Kay. "Never mind it is. I won't ask." He turned and started walking again.

"Wait." Luc hurried after him, and Kay paused again with a long-suffering sigh. "I'm sorry," Luc said quickly. "I just—I'm sorry. Thank you. For helping me. For taking me to Cora, even though you did so indirectly. For keeping me company even though I don't think you like it. That's why I...That's why I just want to know what you think of me. What you thought of me before, when you knew me. If that's ever impacted how you treat me now."

Kay stared at him. For a moment, he said nothing. Then, "Why do I keep coming back to you?"

"What?"

Kay turned around. "I have to go now. I'll be back for Midsummer."

"Kay," Luc said, grabbing Kay's sleeve. Kay froze, looking down at Luc's hand. Luc almost let go, but he fought himself, gripping tighter. He was a child demanding attention, but he didn't care. This felt urgent, somehow. He had to hear it from Kay. "Tell me, please. Who were we?"

Kay still didn't look up. "You already know," he said.

"Kay, please."

Finally, Kay lifted his head, and almost instantly Luc wished he hadn't. He looked like he'd been punched. It felt like being punched. Kay drew in a little rattling breath, then shook Luc's hand off, smoothing down his sleeve. He didn't break Luc's gaze.

"I used to love you," said Kay, "and you used to love me, or you said you did, and not in the way that you love Cora or you love Emma. It's the way that...that..."

Somehow, Luc felt as if he had known all this already. Perhaps he had. He just hadn't remembered. "I know," he said, softly. "I know what you mean."

Kay nodded, once. A definitive nod. "Of course, you don't love me anymore. It's been such a long time." He went into the stables, leaving Luc standing there. He felt utterly alone. An endless, spinning eternity passed before Kay returned with Chocolate. He glanced at Luc. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"I know," said Luc, voice faint. "But I..."

"You should go home."

"Do you still love me?" Luc didn't know where the question came from. He didn't know why he asked, and he didn't know why he cared.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Kay said again. "Not to you."

As if Kay could know what mattered to Luc when he didn't even know himself. "Just tell me."

A moment of silence. Kay looked straight at Luc, his green, green gaze so that Luc wanted to drown in it. "You have never owed me anything," said Kay. "You will never owe me anything. Because I love you. The only thing I have ever wanted from you is for you to be here. And you are here."

Luc didn't know how to think. The silence between them was full of unspoken things, the loudest being that he was leaving. That he was not going to be here for much longer, that he did not want to be here and he wanted to be outside even though here was where Kay was.

"I love you," said Kay again. "I still love you. Even if time could take me I would still love you. You have left an irreparable void in me." He swung himself onto his horse and looked down at Luc. "I have to go."

He rode off, and Luc just stood there, watching him. Luc could've, should've, maybe would've called after, run after, done anything. But he felt helpless. What more could he do? Kay wasn't someone whose mind could be changed so easily.

Behind him, the sound of the bustling crowd in the hall slowly crept into his consciousness, drowning out the beating of his heart and the racing of his thoughts. He didn't know how long he stood there, drowning.

"Hey," said Tristan, appearing behind him, and he jolted. "Did you see him?"

"Kay?" Luc said. "Yes. He was here."

Tristan looked around. "Where'd he go?"

"I don't know."

They stood a moment in silence. Luc glanced at Tristan. "What are you doing here, then?"

"Being a good brother and checking up on you," said Tristan. He paused, then sighed. "So he just left?"

"He said he has something to do."

"Besides make you unhappy, I suppose."

Luc narrowed his eyes at Tristan.

"What?"

"Do you not like him?"

"I don't know," said Tristan. "Do you?"

Luc suddenly felt very tired. He just wanted to sleep, but he didn't know when was time to anymore. "I don't know," he said.