Learn to Love Again

Expert hugs

Jenny walked through the village, the summer evening was perfumed with a thousand roses and night scented stalk.  This oasis, this little paradise, looked like it was a picture on a chocolate box. Not the scene of torment and heartache.  Her torment.  Her heartache.  Despite everything, she would miss it.  She'd lived her for nearly fifteen years. When she'd graduated it had been her first appointment and she'd never left.  Now, she was moving on because she couldn't let go.  A paradox in anyone's world.  

She'd been here when Tom had lost Claire, she'd watched JJ grow into the wonderfully funny, special and intelligent little boy that Tom, Diana and she had come to be so proud of.  She'd seen Tom's career flourish and grow.  His mother had lived her for the last thirty odd years so the family were as familiar as any of the locals.  No-one treated them differently, everyone protected them.  Tom and his sisters came here to be themselves, their families to relax.  In the aftermath of Tom's tragedy, he had come home to be safe too.  Safe in the arms of his mother and the village.

As she passed the school, she looked at her classroom windows, adorned with the children's handiwork.  She was lucky, she had the luxury of having the time and space to build real relationships with her charges.  With their families.  She often had children for several years at a time as the classes rotated.  JJ had been no different.  In fact, she'd asked specifically to be his teacher for consecutive years.  Tom was a fantastic father, but JJ needed more. He needed continuity.  Something perhaps, with her skill set, she could give him in a way Tom couldn't.  He had to work, everyone - JJ included - knew that.  It was up to her to be an anchor in a changing sea for him.

Now, his sea had been too stormy even for this anchor.  It was  about to be hauled away to another harbour, anchor another set of children. 

She opened the gate and walked into the Hiddleston garden.  Like everything in Tom's life, it looked beautiful.  Like everything in his life, he'd worked hard to make it so.  For JJ.  A movement at an upstairs window caught her eye.  She didn't look up, just caught it in her peripheral vision.  A small, white face in green PJ's at a bedroom window.  In a moment it was gone, the curtain moving gently the only evidence it had ever been there.

She smiled to herself sadly, she could only hope in time, he would forgive her.

She stood at the door to the cottage and suddenly her hand shook uncontrollably. For a moment she considered turning and going home.  Don't be so bloody stupid, she told herself.  If she was going to give you a hard time do you think she'd have asked you over? 

Just as she raised her hand to knock, the door opened and a little voice made her look down.

"Please come in Miss" he said, white as a sheet. "Granny said I should let you in and take you into the living room.  She's just getting things sorted in the kitchen" he stepped back, not making eye contact and she smiled. 

"thank you JJ that would be lovely."  following him into the house, they went through to the living room and he said very formally 

"Please to be sat down.  Granny will be here in a moment." it was obviously well rehearsed and she stifled the urge to laugh. He looked at her for a minute then walked to the door.  Just as he reached for the handle, he turned.

"Miss?" 

"Yes JJ?" she waited with baited breath.

"Can - can I ask you something?" he sounded as terrified as he had on the very first day of school and she wanted nothing more than to hug him but she had to wait.

"Of course JJ.  I always said complete honesty did I not?" she patted the sofa next to her and he came and sat on the edge, like a cat on a fence. "What is it?"

"Did I do something wrong? Did I make you sad? Is that why you want to leave me?"

All her resolve flew out the window in that instant. She gathered him into her arms, sobbing.  

"Oh JJ no, no darling boy. It was nothing to do with you.  I just , oh JJ you poor little thing.  NO." she hugged him tightly, not caring if it was appropriate, not caring if Diana walked in and found her calling her Grandson darling.  This little boy was in torment because of her and she had to make it right.

When Diana came to the door, she paused. JJ was sitting holding Jenny's hand and smiling.  He'd been so relieved it wasn't his fault.  Even though his Granny had told him that sometimes grownups have to do things they don't really want to because that was the price of being a grownup.  Jenny had hugged him and wiped his eyes on her sleeve and kissed the top of his head.

"JJ, I will always be in your life one way or another I promise.  I may be miles away but I will ALWAYS want to know how you are and what you're doing ok?  And, hey, I'm not leaving yet ok? We still have weeks and weeks.  Who knows, maybe we can go on a walk to the beach, me you and Granny , eat ice cream and take photos. That way we will all have something to remember this summer by eh?"

"Ice cream?" he sniffed and sat up, little boys were always little boys underneath it all. "With red sauce?"

"With red sauce" she agreed, nodding with a watery smile.  "But only on one condition." she looked at him with serious eyebrows - teacher eyebrows. He giggled slightly.

"What's that Miss?" he said brightly.

"You go to bed and let Granny and me have a talk.  We have a trip to the beach to organise." 

"Ok Miss" he stood up and walked to the open door where Diana stood, her eyes misted with tears. He paused then ran back and kissed Jenny on the cheek quickly, his own flushing pink.

"I love you miss" he said quietly and dashed away to bed.

"Oh JJ I love you too" she whispered as Diana came and wrapped her in an enormous hug. As she sobbed, Diana stroked her hair and soothed her like the expert mother she was,

"Now, since it seems we have one heart sorted out, how about we tackle yours eh? What's all this nonsense about you leaving my boys?" she raised an eyebrow and Jenny looked at her, there seemed no point in denying anything any longer.

"Well It's complicated" she said, sniffing.

"Where love is concerned my dear, it always is." she passed her a tissue and a glass of wine. "now, why don't you tell me ALL about it eh?"