Poems of a broken artist

not yet.

*Note* this is something I used to tell myself quiet often and still sometimes catch myself thinking, so it brings a nice amount of pain. If you or anyone else feels the same or has thought/attempted suicide please seek help and know you aren't alone, though it really does feel like you are. You aren't alone. 

"The voice of you that I myself created to make sure, 

even though you already left, 

That I would never lose you."

But that was the hardest thing I ever did. 

Holding onto something that wasn't real, 

Wasn't true. 

I kept holding till my grip was numb, 

Till my heart was numb to the pain you caused me. 

It was painful, 

seeing how okay you were..

After hurting me so horribly that I was making an ocean out of my own tears.

Especially remembering how many times you told me about...

how much it hurt You to see Me cry. 

You just watched me fall apart, 

worse than I was when we met..

You just watched. And laughed. 

Told me if it hurt that bad then ending it wouldn't be a horrible option. 

Do you know how painful it was?

To look into your eyes when I was dying in them?

While you told me to do the one thing..

The one thing you made me promise to Never do?

Why do you think I joke to others rather than tell them the truth?

Why I joke about how ending it would be?

                        I'm waiting for them to agree that I should. 

You did always say to get a second opinion, 

before doing anything "drastic". 

I'm taking your advice. Even though it made a pain unlike any I've ever known. 

So deep. Powerful. Painful but Hopeful. 

If I end it. 

End it All.                                            But I can't. 

                              Not yet. 

                     Not..                Yet. 

I want to see how bad the next step forward is first. 

But remember, 

They won't care.

There's many ways,

slice, cut, stab, hang, drown, burn..

There are non-painful ways,

shoot

No one will care after it's done.

Might as well put some plastic down so there's no mess.

They will thank you for getting out of the way,

               for taking less oxygen,

                          for leaving, 

        for not being.. there anymore.

No one will care.

No one ever cared, why would they care if you're gone?

They have you out of sight out of mind.. so you aren't so.. There.

So make it easier on them.

End it All.

But.. I'll leave my sister.. my mom.

I can't.. but I could.. no. It's too easy.

Something would go wrong.

Chores! chores I have to do chores, can't leave them or my sister will get yelled at.. again.

why.. am I convincing myself to stay?

no.

Why Am I Convincing Myself To Leave?

I can't. Not yet. Maybe at 18?

no one will be mad.

                                     ..I'll just disappear.

It'll be fine. right?

                 that's it.

I already know my answer.

No point in arguing with myself.

                                          If I do End it All, it won't be today.

                                           Time to go back and act happy.

                                               No one can ever know.

                            That the one that hurt me. 

                                                                                       

                                                                                                   Was me.