Fortunately Unfortunate - Harry Styles

4-A Break

Tiffany's POV

It's been a few months or so since my diagnosis and Cole isn't being much more supportive. The same things happen over and over. Mentions a type of food he knows I am trying to stay away from. Never wants to just cook food with me at home. Always wants to go out. Never asks me how I am doing with everything. I'm stressed and exhausted as it is, and hanging out with him now just feels even more exhausting when he doesn't provide me the support I am needing at the moment.

I don't mean to be picky and I don't want a pity party, but when you've been with someone for 4 years and known them for 6, I don't know I just expected a bit more love from him while I adjust.

I start to think we might need a break. 4 years is a long time, not to mention we are both our firsts for everything. I do mean everything...maybe we need to venture out? I don't know. I mean, I've been feeling distant from him for a while now with everything in my life. Before I was even diagnosed we only saw each other maybe twice a week because of our work schedules...now it's only once if we're lucky. Not to mention every time we are together it seems like the only time I feel connected is if we are getting heated..and recently I haven't been feeling up to that after I gained all my weight back, the body dysmorphia is like never before, and I am just a little nervous about how the physical activity from that all could plummet my blood glucose levels and pass out. I don't even know if that's a thing, but I am afraid to find out. He says he understands but he pushes the matter a little bit more every time I see him.

Am I being a complete jerk about this? Like I said I've been feeling distant for a while now...probably about a year and I chose to ignore it since he was a best friend to me. I can't lose that friendship. But everytime he would do something nice for me I would feel this immense amount of guilt. Or every time I would try and do something nice for him, I would feel even more guilty, feeling like a terrible person for staying when I've had these thoughts of needing a break for a while.

Maybe I am a terrible person. Maybe this diagnosis has just brought out the actual real me. The me that snaps back at every sarcastic comment. That can't take a joke. The me that gets an attitude any time my sugars are high. Maybe this is the real me that's been hiding for 22 years. I hate this version of me.

It's all so much constantly going through my head and I feel like I am going to break under all the pressure I put myself through. Feeling like a terrible person for having these feelings about someone I love, but I can't say I am in love anymore. I know I used to be, and it makes me sad.

I called him and told him I am headed over and that we need to talk. What do I say? Am I actually going to go through with it?

I get there and the first words out of my mouth are,
"I think we need a break" I say quietly trying not to tear up. I look up at him slightly waiting for a reaction. In disbelief I actually just said that and also feeling anxious about his response.

"What? I knew something had to be wrong when you said you wanted to talk but a break? Tiffany no. You don't mean that"

"I'm sorry I —"

"You're sorry? Really? Please tell me you're sorry because this is some sick joke" he says trying to lock eyes with me.
I avoid it at all costs .. I can't look him in the eyes right now. I feel like the worst person on the planet.

"If you'd let me finish I—"

"Yes please do finish and tell me why you'd play such a cruel joke on me?!" he begins to raise his voice, which he knows puts me into a panic. I've always hated yelling of any sort and it instills an anxiety in me like no other. I cringe and close my eyes trying not to cry and take it all back. But I know we— I know I need this break, I don't know what the future holds but I do know that I have to focus on myself and my health and I can't do that with someone who repeatedly shows me they won't support me in the way I need.

I stand there thinking about what I am supposed to say. How am I supposed to tell one of my best friends that we need a break...I think I want to take it all back.