Fortunately Unfortunate - Harry Styles

5-The Break Up

I take a deep breath and begin to try and get some words out.
"It's um, not a joke...I wish I could say it was I really do I just, I need some time" I don't know what else to say.

"Time? Time for what?" He looks at me like someone just shot him...suddenly I feel like I've been shot too.

"Time to, I don't know focus on my health. Think about my future."

"And that doesn't involve me?" He sounds hurt. It hurts me. I love this man I really do. But my heart isn't in it any more and I don't see a future with someone who cannot show me the love I know I deserve. I continue this thought out loud.
"I can't see a future with someone who has their heart set on kids when I don't know if that's what I want any more. It's not fair to you, Cole, I love you, I always will you were my first everything but I think it's time we give each other some space..." I trail off my sentence hoping he will somehow agree and we can move on to be friends. I don't want my relationship with him totally ruined. I mean I've shared every detail of my life with him for as long as I can remember. He is a great guy, just not the guy for me right now.

"If kids is the only thing holding you back, all because of your diagnosis then forget about it. I don't want kids. I just want you." He pauses, I don't know what else to say. "And space??? We already have plenty of that as I hardly get to see you as it is. We are never intimate anymore, how much more space can you need?!"

I knew it, that was a stupid comment for me to make. He's right the only space left to give each other is basically to not hang out at all. He is right on that one.

"Okay, you're right about that, I'm sorry for being so distant but I am just really busy and you know that and I told you I am not ready to be intimate like that again yet after everything" I say trying to slightly defend myself.

"Yeah! No kidding! But I accept that and deal with it because I love you, and if you really love me we will make this work". He's practically pleading with me but at the same time he has this anger inside him, I can see it.

"You're angry". I say "And I don't think you are as accepting as you say you are. You want sex every time I come over. And I continue to tell you I am not ready. Is that all we were before all this shit happened? Convenient friends who pleasure each other?"

"No shit I am angry Tiffany!" He finally loses it completely and I silently cry as he explains how frustrated he is. "I can't seem to have any type of intimacy with you. Physical or not! You are so distant and I stuck by your side and now all of a sudden you decide we need a break? How the fuck do you think that makes me feel?"

He's right, but my diagnosis brought a side of me and him that I don't like. I am a different person, stuff like this changes you and it seems to have changed him too and I don't think he sees that. Regardless I sit there with tears streaming down my face, but not a peep comes out of me. I can't look him in the eyes, I can't even say another word. I just sit there staring at the floor as tears roll down my cheeks

"Shit Tiffany" he says as he goes to give me a hug. At first I let him. And then I realize how much harder this is making it for both of us. I remove myself from his embrace. I finally get the courage to look at him. I see tears coming off his cheeks as well. This hurts like nothing else.

I try my best to explain that I love him but that I cannot be in a romantic relationship right now. It's too much stress and pressure. I explain how sorry I was for being a shitty girlfriend toward the end of our relationship and that if he wants this to have a chance at working, he's got to allow me to work on me first. I can't handle the pressure of being the girlfriend I want to be while also trying to find my old self again.

He reluctantly agrees and we say our "see you laters" with tear stained cheeks.

I wake up the next morning with the puffiest eyes of all time. I look at my phone. No good morning text. Of course not why would there be. We are giving ourselves distance first before we come back together to try and form a friendship again. At least that's the plan.

The next few weeks are hell but I push through them and continue on with my life. One thing keeping me going? Knowing I get to see Harry Styles. The man who makes me feel things when I think I couldn't feel anything ever again. I cannot wait. Not to mention I get to see my best friend of all time Becca.