Midnight Wonders

X.X.3. Voyeurism

They passed into the forest, out of the wide green. It was the same green as always. The sloping hills didn't look as up and down as they felt, or maybe Kay was just so used to it. Maybe he wasn't. He thought there might have been a time when looking at the green was enough to make him happy, because it was there and he was there. But he felt ever-more aware of the yellow haze of the suns. It didn't feel so green anymore. Sometimes he felt ill looking at all of it. The trees made it better, sometimes. The trees hid most of the above. The trees were big and strong and made him feel better about feeling like a leaf. But sometimes he resented the trees, too. He resented that they were there.

Kay realized it was quiet. Luc hadn't said anything. He had seemed on edge trying to fill their silences, which irritated Kay, but he thought that it was better for him to note the differences from before, to remind him that they were different. So he wouldn't have to keep thinking what he'd once had would come back. But it made him want to die.

Luc wasn't even there anymore. He wasn't beside Kay.

Kay looked back and saw that Chocolate had stopped first. Or maybe Luc had stopped first, because he was slumped forward over her. Kay stared at him for a moment. He felt Milk flex beneath him and nudged her to get her to turn back, as if that hadn't been her idea in the first place. Kay wanted to open his mouth, to say something. But to say Luc's name felt wrong, because it had been seven years he hadn't said it aloud, let alone to address anyone. Even just saying it to wake Luc earlier had been like pulling his stomach out of his throat, and neither part of him seemed to have recovered from the ordeal. He didn't want to try again.

Kay unhooked one foot and leaned over to tap Luc's arm. No movement; Kay shook him a little. Chocolate looked back, annoyed.

"Fine," Kay told her. He got off Milk and looked up at Luc for another moment, then took his arm and began to tip him off of Chocolate. It was easier than Kay had expected; Luc slid off like water on glass. Kay scrambled a bit to catch him. He was dead heavy and Kay almost fell, holding up Luc under the arms.

Kay looked around. At least they were in with the trees now. He put Luc against the nearest tree, and he tried to fold in on himself. Kay tipped him back and turned back to the horses, taking off their saddles, which he left over a root. As they went off, he returned to Luc, who was trying to fold another way now.

"Are you dead?" said Kay, kneeling in front of Luc. He put a hand under Luc's nose and felt his breaths, warm and soft. They came rhythmically. Kay straightened Luc against the tree, and his knuckles brushed against the rough bark. He sat back, looking at Luc and thinking he seemed like a target pinned to a trunk for practice. Kay reached into a pouch and drew out Luc's sweater vest. It was stone gray and soft, like a lamb's fleece. Kay looked up at Luc, slipping his hands into the vest. Then, feeling the flames of shame that he hadn't realized still existed in him, he put his face into it. He wanted to scream. He wondered if Luc would even wake up if he did. Luc had to be sleeping, still used to time outside. He was more used to outside, now. His clothes smelled like him, but it also smelled like outside. Metallic.

Kay folded up the sweater vest and put it behind Luc's head, repositioning him so he sat better against the tree, tucked up beside a large root that held him in place. It was strange to touch him, to feel him really there.

Kay got up. He needed to clear his head. Everything was starting to hurt again. He felt dizzy and like collapsing, and mostly he felt annoyed that he felt so.

There was a stream nearby. Kay knew it was there, but he gazed into the trees and felt that he might get lost. Not wanting to, he glanced back at Luc, still sleeping there. Kay thought if he stayed any longer he might throw up everything inside him. He went.