Empire of Dreams

*16*

Time goes by fast and life doesn't stop even though someone's heart did.

I strolled the royal gardens with Little Mary and my sister Kathyrn by my side. The sun was just rising and just like that, Edward would turn 15. He may not have been in perfect health, but he was still a king of England.

Mary had refused to attend the festivities, going on a trip to Scotland to meet her "friends". Elizabeth had done something similar but she was on a visit to France to meet a friend of Queen Anne. This meant the only family here was mine.

Even though it had been three years since Uncle Thomas's death, Catherine was still in shock and grief. Just a month after Thomas's execution, Catherine found out she was with a child. The child was a hope that things would turn normal, but the infant boy died just days after being born. It was as if Aunt Catherine lost herself that day too. She was mostly in her room, rarely ever joining dinners or feasts and she refused Edward's offer to join the court. I had heard her sing from my balcony sometimes as we shared adjacent quarters, but it had been a long time since I conversed with her.

"What are your thoughts on marriage, Jane?" Kathyrn asked, pulling me out of my thought spiral.

"Why?" I asked more harshly than intended.

"Just asking, because father is growing anxious. After what happened to Uncle Thomas, he's not sure about our social status and being the elder daughter, it's you who's going to be married first "

"I don't wish to marry now, Kathyrn. The King is ill though he does not admit that, Mary and Elizabeth are still unmarried and you expect me to marry? If I marry someone of high status to bring Father back to the good graces of Edward, Mary and Elizabeth will feel as if I plotted to gain power and that would ruin everything!"

"Why is it that you are so bothered about your cousins but not your own sister? All I can hear you talking about is Mary did this, Elizabeth said that. What about us Jane? Don't I take up some part of your mind and attention? Are they all you care about?"

"It is not like that, Kathyrn-"

"Oh but it is exactly that, Jane. You are so involved in the race to the crown and the political affairs that family doesn't matter anymore. Do you care about us? I've seen you walk around with Little Mary, Elizabeth and Princess Mary, but what about us? Your real sisters?"

Little Mary may not speak, but of course she heard and understood everything. She was almost 4 years old and that was old enough for a person to understand such an accusation. I could see her getting upset, struggling to understand her fault in this mess and that was her right.

Before I could explain further, Kathyrn rushed back into the castle and Little Mary stomped away towards her caretaker who had brought her something to eat. I was left alone, as usual, but I decided to remain outside.

"It's getting late, don't you think?" Sia asked, appearing from the other side of the garden.

"It's also getting lonely, Sia. I remember those days after Mary's birth when Kathyrn and I would fight over mother's attention. Mother was sick at that time and Father was busy. I was given the least attention and the most responsibility, but I decided to go with it anyway, after all, they were my family.

Then they sent me to Sudeley and once again I was left all alone. Mother couldn't come to even bid me goodbye and Kathyrn threw a crying fit to stop me while my Father held her back. I was so afraid of why I was being sent there, of where I went wrong. Then I met Uncle Thomas and Aunt Catherine and they were so kind to me. The day I reached there I was so scared that I wouldn't leave my room, but then Uncle Thomas took out his lute and Aunt Catherine made a pie and together we had dinner.

I was afraid Mary and Elizabeth would hate me, but they treat me like their sister. They are supportive and caring. They trust me! But now it is all gone Sia, everything is ruined. Mary and Elizabeth don't trust me that freely anymore. They did not say anything but I can feel it. Edward may act strong, but I can see behind the act and his health is crumbling down. Aunt Catherine has isolated herself completely and Uncle Thomas is gone forever. Kathyrn and Mary hate me too and I am back, all alone in this world"

Sia did not say anything, just patting my back and stroking my hair as I cried on her shoulder. The world was getting heavier each day and I had never been more lonely. That night, while everyone ate at the feast, I sat on the roof, the stars in the sky hidden behind dark grey clouds and wished I had someone whom I could share everything with.