Empire of Dreams

*44*

I woke up to the sound of midnight rain. Anticipation already wasn't allowing me to sleep, the sound of rain made me want to go into the gardens and drench myself. In a way, raindrops felt like the only way to remember Archduke Gerrardo. Our time together was short-lived. One moment we found out we loved each other and the very next moment his life was wrongfully snatched from him. 

Finding me awake, Aunt Catherine entered my room.

"Why are you awake so late at night?" I asked her.

"I could ask you the same question, but you are the Queen, so I cannot. Sorry, I missed dinner. Mary was unusually cranky today, She missed her father today. I miss him too..." She trailed off and it hit me again how sad she must be. Uncle Thomas had loved her for a very long time. The Archduke and I were just at the beginning of our relationship and still losing him had felt like losing the moons and stars of my life. For Catherine, it must have felt like losing the whole sky. I was also reminded of Harlowe who lost her life chasing beauty which she did not need. She killed herself accidentally but didn't every woman kill themselves at least once in life in the pursuit of beauty? In the pursuit of acceptance?

"So, why did you name yourself Narcissa?" She asked, sitting by the window and gesturing me to join her. 

"After my sister Mary was born, I felt very lonely. Kathyrn had begun crying and so everybody went to coddle her. My mother was with Mary, she was in no state to think about me, but it felt bad to see that my own parents did not remember that they had another daughter who may need them. Anyways, this is all very unreasonable. I knew back then too that this was unreasonable. So I went up to my room and began studying. When Michelangelo came for his class that day, he brought me a Narcissus flower. I asked him, Why a narcissus? It was then he told me that it was believed that if a narcissus drooped while someone was looking at it, that person may face an early death. I was devastated by the story, why give it to me then? Michelangelo then told me that the flower also symbolized joy and hope. That I needed to be like this, a bringer of joy, hope and peace but terrifying enough that people did not ignore me. The Angel's tears, these flowers are also called...... This was what I wanted to be, so this is my name now" I smiled sadly.

I was talking to Catherine, but with each passing moment, I realized just how much I missed everything and everyone. I had worked hard and faced a lot to become the Queen, no doubt, but I wanted to just go back in time when none of this mattered. When I hadn't discovered what evils my father was capable of, how status-driven my mother was, how angry and disappointed my sisters were in me, how much Mary and Elizabeth loved me, though I was the outsider in their family. I imagined everything but I steered clear of the most dangerous question- What if we hadn't been royalty. Answering that question was a mistake and anyone who asked or imagined that didn't survive in this vicious court long enough. So, I focused on Catherine again.

"Is Michelangelo coming tomorrow?"

"I have invited him. I hope he comes...."

"Jane, what are you wearing tomorrow?" she asked but with my head on her shoulder, I was slowly drifting into sleep.

***

I woke up again a bit later, finding Catherine smiling at me. I hugged her tightly as fear, excitement and dread encompassed my mind. 

"It will all be fine, Queen Narcissa," she said.

I asked Sia to bring me some water and walked out into the balcony. Little ripples were occasionally formed on the Thames but the downpour was certainly stopped. I remembered the prisoners from last night, once all the hatred was out of the way, they seemed to have understood that I wanted things to happen differently. They had perhaps sensed that I was not like the kings. They had given me a second chance just like I had given them one. 

"Come back inside! You need to hurry" Sia called and I rushed back inside. My dress was set out neatly on the bed and Kathyrn was there too. I looked over at the dress. Last night after dinner, Mary had given me a dress. She had it stitched specifically for me and it was the most magnificent and well-suited gown I had ever had. The top was made of white satin and a lace border with a red brooch in the middle. Then a velvet skirt flowed out from my waist. The white of the top contrasted well with the red of the velvet skirt and together it all presented a very regal look. The skirt had embroideries of the Angel's tears. This was a touch she must've added after the supper because before that she couldn't have known its significance. 

Lady Irem entered with a string of pearls along with earrings just as Sia began adjusting my hair. Soon, I was ready to go. I asked Sia and Kathyrn to go ahead and make sure the carriage was prepared. I was getting up to go too when my mother entered. 

"You look beautiful, my Queen" she smiled, teary-eyed. 

"It is just Jane for you, Mother, you know that" I said.

"It is, but it shouldn't be. I realise Jane that while I thought I was a great mother-always right, I was wrong. I was a horrible mother. I always treated you according to your position in the line of succession not according to your importance in my life. I was so busy ensuring that you become a Queen that I didn't even realize when you stopped being my daughter. Queen Anne and Queen Catherine were more of a mother to you than I had ever been. But now, we move on. You are the Queen and I hope to serve you well"

I embraced my mother comfortingly and then asked her to get into the carriage. I looked back once at the Thames and then moved forward towards my coronation.