The rise of Booster

Seasoned Pro and Tenderfoot

We went back to the mansion, dropping off the devices at the front gate and picking up my payment just as we arranged. While this was just collecting money, I felt it only appropriate that I did it with Chara. A petty, but blatant show of my answer to the Doctor's request. The ride there was rather quiet, and Chara only spoke up once we left, knowing we'd be driving for some time without any interruption. 

"Can I ask you a question?" 

I glanced over to her momentarily before nodding. "Of course, you know you can." 

"I don't just mean a question, like... a really personal question." 

"Chara... you know my sleep schedule, and somehow you know it better than me. I don't think there's anything more personal you could ask then what you've already learned on your own." I said jokingly but in her silence I could tell she wasn't in the mood so I rephrased what I said. "You can ask me anything, I said no secrets and I meant it." 

She stayed quiet, seemingly thinking about what they were going to say before they did, eventually coming out with what was on her mind. "I know the first people you ever... killed... were your parents, but... what was it like? What is it like to kill someone?" I looked back out onto the road ahead as I stayed quiet for a little bit, just considering how to describe the feeling. It was a few minutes that I wasn't responding so she quickly tried to apologize to me. "I'm sorry Jason, I shouldn't have-"

"No, no it's fine. I'm just... thinking of how to say it... When I killed those abominations of biological relation, I didn't think about it. I spent days working up the courage to do what I did, but when the time came I didn't have to think twice. Just as I'd planned, I shot four times, and then I left. I only thought about what I'd do after, and how to get away from the police. The next time I killed someone was a man named Vadim Reid, he uh...well... I didn't think about that one either really. I used a car bomb that time, never saw him more than from a few hundred yards away. When he did die I was too tired to really think about, I spent eight hours straight sitting on a tree root to make sure he didn't survive. Once it was done all I wanted to do was get paid, and go to bed." I thought for a few more seconds about a time I killed someone where I thought about it, and it never happened so it brought me to one conclusion. "Killing someone... feels like nothing. Not nothing as in you don't think about it, because you do. Especially after, but nothing as in it clears your mind. You spend so much time thinking about it leading up to the kill, there's nothing once you do it. Unlike what people say, when you actually do it it's not the worst feeling in the world. When you kill them you just feel like it's nothing." She was quiet for a few seconds before speaking up again. 

"When you kill someone... you don't think about killing them, you just think about why you did it? What about who you just killed?"

"I suppose I was thinking about making sure you were safe, I was thinking about making sure he never spoke. I was just thinking about the mission, he was an objective. When you kill someone intentionally then it's just like you're playing a game, instinct takes over and you don't think twice. Especially when you've had training, in the moment you kill your enemy then it'll feel no different then shooting at a target." 

"What about killing someone on accident?" 

"I couldn't tell you, every person I've killed I did so discriminately and with the intention of putting an end to their life." When I finished what I was saying we both went quiet until she had another question.

"So when you kill someone you never think about it? It just happens and then it's over?"

"No." She turned her head over to me as I said this seemingly in surprise at how pointily I'd said the no. "That's not what you asked, you asked how it felt to kill someone, not how it feels after... When it's all over you do think about it, once you give it some time every thought that you could think of passes through you. You think of the faces they made as you killed them, you think of the fear and pain they felt, you think of what you caused to their families, and you think about how you hoped they didn't have any kids left over after. When it's all over though you just have to remember that it was what you had to do or you'll never be able to live with yourself, a lot of people think that they could kill someone, and anyone can, but it takes a far more powerful person to be able to do it and continue on. It takes a toll on everyone, some people can pay more though."