Future of the mockingjay

Chapter seventeen: Confession

"Katniss?"

I run to the door and swing it open. In the doorway stands Peeta with red-rimmed eyes and flowers in his hand.

"Oh, Peeta," I say, jumping into his arms. For a while we stand there, embracing each other and not saying a word. Peeta is the one to break the silence.

"I'm so sorry."

"Shh," I say, stroking his hair, "don't apologize, Peeta. I should be the one."

"No," he pulls away, a nervous look in his eyes, "there's something I need to tell you."

"OK, but can this wait? The kids aren't home yet; I'm starting to worry. Let's go look around first and-"

"I dropped them off with Sally down the road," he replies quickly. "Let's go inside." He slips by me and I follow nervously shutting the door. I sit down in front of him on the couch and he hands me the flowers.

"Peeta," I say, putting them down, "what's wrong?"

He takes a deep breath. "Just, try to work with me here, Katniss, OK?"

"Whatever you need to say, feel free," I reply, bracing myself.

"You remember when I was back at the Capitol, and they had me captured, right?" I winced, but he continued, nevertheless. "They did so many unmentionable things over there, but for me the worst was the hijacking."

I brushed my fingers over my neck, picturing the bruises I had before from Peeta's attempted strangling. "It was the worst for me, too," I whisper.

"Katniss, I'm so sorry!" he pleas, grabbing my hand.

"No, no, continue on," I say, squeezing his hand.

"Well, it was the worst for me because I knew you were good. I knew that you were Katniss! But I just couldn't control myself. The words and actions that came out of me... I couldn't control them. I tried to fight it, but it was like watching through glass as someone else controls you," he murmured, staring off into the distance.

"Peeta I'm never going to let that happen to you again," I promise, staring into his eyes. I hug him, rubbing his back. "You're safe now," I whisper.

"I wish I could believe that," he replies softly.

I stiffen and jerk away. "What is that supposed to mean?" My heartbeat quickens as I consider the meaning to his words. "Peeta, what exactly is going on?"

"Katniss, please don't worry," he says, trying to soothe me.

"You are not getting out of this, Peeta," I say firmly. "Tell me what's going on or so help me-"

"I haven't been feeling myself lately," he interrupts, holding my hand. "You remember the time I spent at... the Capitol, right?"

I cling to his hand, holding my breath. I nod quickly, afraid to say anything.

"And when I came back?"

"You were hijacked," I whisper, shutting my eyes. An image of Peeta's wild face flashes behind my eyelids, and I cringe. "It was horrible."

"Exactly what I'm getting at," he says quietly.

My eyes flash open. "What do you mean, Peeta? Are you experiencing... the hijacking again?" My hands instantly wander to my neck, trying to remember how it felt to be strangled.

"I... I don't know."

I jolt up and stare down at him, offering my hand. "Come on, we're going to the hospital."

"I don't need to be admitted. I'm not going crazy or anything... yet," he says, standing up.

I stare into his eyes, afraid to lose him again. "Peeta we can't go through that again! Who knows what will happen if the situation gets worse?"

"Katniss..." he soothes.

"Think about it! It's not just the two of us anymore," I say softly, taking his hand. "If something were to go wrong... we have children here. They're nowhere near strong enough to protect themselves." His face takes on a pained expression as I realize how he might be taking this. "I'm not saying that it's going to happen for sure. I have complete trust in you and I swear I'll never stop fighting, Peeta." A tear rolls down my cheek. "I knew something was happening to you. Lately, you've been more aggressive and... not like yourself."

He wipes the tear from my cheek with a kiss. "I'm not going to allow anyone, myself included, to hurt my family," he says in a strong voice. "I don't what's happening to me right now, but if it gets worse, well, you know what you have to do."

"Never!" I shout, pushing his hands away. "Peeta, I promised myself after the Games that I'd never let you get hurt again. Never."

"You know it has to be done," he says gently. "It's the only way to protect the children."

I hug him tightly, burying my face into his chest. "But what about protecting us?"