Future of the mockingjay

Chapter twenty-two: Goodbye

My dear Katniss,

Last week, when I was admitted into the hospital, I had a lot of time to think. Time to think about you and me, and a lot of time to think about our past. I know how much it hurt you when I was hijacked. You try to hide it, but I saw how scared you were when I told you it might be happening again.

I can't do this to you Katniss. I can't be a danger to you anymore.

Everyday, I wish I could take back what I did to you when I was hijacked. Everyday, I wish that you never had to experience what you went through, having someone you love turn against you. And everyday, for the rest of your life, I wish that you never have to feel threatened again.

Don't you see Katniss? I'm a threat to you! You never know what could happen around me. Hijacking is uncontrollable, and once it happens, it never stops. We were lucky once, who knows if we'll be able to live through it again?

I can't hurt you Katniss, never. Even the thought of causing you pain makes me sick. This is why I have to go. This is why I have to walk away and never come back.

I can't live the rest of my life trying to control myself around you. One day, I might be too weak to stop myself.

We have children now, Katniss. If I leave, they only loose one parent. But if I stay, there's a chance they might loose the both of us.

You don't know how hard it is to do this.

Leaving you seems impossible to me. I can't even try to imagine life without my family. But I have to go.

So please do me a few favors: don't come after me, don't try to kill yourself, look after the children, and forgive Gale.

It sickens me to write this, but you have to forgive Gale for killing Prim. You have to realize how much he means to you, how much you love him. Even though you choosing him over me is the worst possible thing I could think of, you have to do it.

Gale is kind, and he cares for you. When I leave, Gale is going to be the only one to help you. He's going to be there for you, Katniss.

I know that me leaving is going to rip you apart to shreds. But Gale will be there to put the pieces back together.

I've already been ripped apart so many times, that there's no hope left for me. I don't want to ever hurt you again, Katniss.

So I promise this will be the last time.

Please, don't come looking for me. Live your life the way it was meant to be. Gale is good, and he will learn to love our children as his own.

Katniss please believe me when I say that I would never do this to you if I had the choice. But, as it is, I only have two options: you living, or you dying. You dying was never an option for me, Katniss, so I guess that means I have to go.

Don't be too mad at Gale. I called him here. And I know that he's already read this letter over and over, even though I told him not to.

Katniss, you mean the world to me. I don't know what will happen to me from here on, but I know that you will live. And you have always been the most important part of my life. So if you live, I'll be happy.

I love you so much.
Love,
Peeta