and as i miss the comfort of rains and falling apart—i found myself coming back.
there are times that i could not understand every time that i would love to see the pouring rain, touching every unhealed stitches that i have buried inside of my pressed lips, letting it draw lines throughout my skin to trace the fading memories just to relive them once again. there are times that i could not understand every time that i would find comfort through the roaring pains that i know is continuously growing inside me, building a home through it while i’m longing for a home that i know i could never find to the places that once told me to leave. i could not even know how people can give someone so much to remember that sometimes every memory starts to hurt but still, i know that they are meant to live in every raindrops and that they abandoned pains just to let it live inside me. i didn’t understand by then, that i could possibly love the idea of falling and desperate seeking for loneliness just because i see it calming; i didn’t understand it by then, that breakage comes free and sometimes we’re getting addicted to it.
there are times that i could not understand why i can always find myself longing for approaching storms, seeking for it as if it’s holding the voices that i have kept away from the touch of the universe; i long for it so much that sometimes i can already forget the idea of rainbows just because i don’t find their colours attractive anymore. there are times that i could not understand why i would always want to run after the hurricanes, chasing it as if i know that it’s living inside me for years now; staying in my head for too long just to inflict every familiarity of heartaches in the gaps of my mind and the sound of footsteps walking away just to remind me the way how people left. i could not even know how i managed to empty myself every time the rain falls, knowing that i have none to give anymore but i can still feel myself surrendering—maybe because i still have much time to embrace all the coldness of my drunken heart until my breath would decided to end it all. i didn’t understand by then that a home couldn’t be always the place where you feel warm but can also be the one where you chose to be at: sad places. just because you feel like there is where you should be and you realized that maybe you’re really not good at dealing sadness but you just get used to it. i could never understand it every time that i’m missing the presence of rainy days, the familiarity of pains and the idea of death that i can usually find residing in between of my heartbeats. i could never understand it every time that i can always find myself coming back to the place that i once abandoned for it just hurt too much.
i didn’t understand it by then. until the calmness started to raise, the rainy season left me on my knees while still hating the sunny days. i know, somehow, the graves inside of my mind find the sunrise scary. that was the time i’ve realized that maybe, i was never really meant for summer, for when the rain’s finally gone—
all that i have left with is silence.
— 03:09 l. sin, rainy days
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»» photo (without the words in it) taken from Lina Selg
