i told you to carry all the blues and throw them somewhere far away but you came to me that night just like a cloudy summer day and i just watched how you draw scars into me, making me believe they are art when we both know they weren’t. we both know your eyes reminds me of a locked-up cabin where i used to live while all i’ve got to hold is a piece of you while i’m slowly losing the faith we used to have in love. i told you to slow down for i know we’re bound to wound someone and i hate seeing you being emptied by all the selfless act of feeling the pain for we know pain demands to be felt; i told you not to caress them just to end up putting them into my palms but now your love has gone cold, then where the hell was i now? i just found myself stepping into sadness, miles away from your heartbeat and you left me nothing but blurred memories tearing its way out of me. i told you i was all clueless and i ended up shouting out of my lungs and you gave me silence so tell me—where was i now? where was i in all these betweens when i know i am left right here just because i remind you of her. now, i am wondering about what you feel, days after you chased broken hearts and now i can see your heart ripping apart but i can also hear it sounds like mine.
i told you that i hated the days you said i am the reason of all your lovely metaphors for i am just the idea of someone you met ages ago; that i hated how we ended up a sad haven to each other just because you can’t love me more than you could love someone that you painted inside your heart. i hated it. but you know that despite all, still—with all the silence, with all your lies, you’re still very lovable. we’re really bound to hurt someone sometimes, and i know it got to be us this time. and now, you’re just that someone who used to linger in my mind for a very long time—haunting me and making me remember the place where i used to feel like home, you’re now coming as a pain that i cannot erase and you’re now the reason why i’m loving to hold onto something i can never really own.
you’re still the one who makes me running cold halfway to nowhere when it's rainy november afternoon until i can no longer walk; i’ll just run until i find myself crying out of something i know will never come again. i know i can always find myself doing it all over again even years after, i will tirelessly run until i learn not to ache over your absence—but i always fail terribly for until now, i still do.
and i always would in a heartbeat.
— 01:50 l. sin, i had you forever ago
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»» photo (without the words in it) taken from Anna Aden
