Rena: Code 143

2.1

I had five days.

Five days until Kenny and I went to see a fertility specialist. I had heard Kenny schedule an appointment a week ago. To say I was freaking out would be an understatement. The thought of going to the appointment had my heart racing. Then my racing heart would trigger small panic attacks. Luckily, most occurred when Kenny wasn't home. They mainly happened when I had nothing to do except listen to my thoughts. I hardly slept and ate less than I usually did due to anxiety. I was trying to remain calm and happy on the outside. But inside of me, I felt uneasy and, albeit, guilty.

I spent much of my thoughts thinking about having a child with Kenny. Whether he would find out about my secret stash of Plan B pills, or he would find out I cheated by kissing a stranger. He would only know if he suspected something or found the note Nicolaus had given me. The note I carried with me, everywhere. As foolish as it sounds, I had nowhere else to put it. I wanted to call him, but at the same time, I couldn't. I was a wife who wasn't sure whether I wanted to have a child with my husband. Yet, I was so tempted to call the man to hear his voice just so I could remember his touch.

I'm ashamed to say that when I'm alone, I've pleasured myself in many ways by thinking of Nicolaus. What kind of wife spends her days bringing herself to ecstasy at the thought of another man? The thought of his lips on mine as I felt butterflies in my belly. The memory of his hand gripping my throat so I wouldn't escape him. I was so engrossed in my fantasies of him one day that I didn't hear Kenny come home.

He found me lying on our bed with my legs splayed open, moaning in pure bliss. Two of my fingers rubbed my clit as my right hand played with my breasts. When he spoke suddenly, I screamed withdrawing my fingers from myself. Despite my shock and embarrassment, Kenny took me being vulnerable as an invitation. He spent the next hour fucking me from behind, taking pleasure from my body. I wasn't into it when we had sex, but the sudden image of Nicolaus appeared. Suddenly, I was getting wet and turned on as Kenny thrust inside of me. But when I looked back, I saw it was no longer Kenny; it was Nicolaus in his stead. For the first time in years, Kenny had actually made me come that night.

More like my imagination had.

I felt shitty after we had stopped. I was Kenny's wife, not Nicolaus's. Hell, I wasn't Nicolaus's at all; we only shared a single kiss. But the kiss we shared was like no other. I had never experienced a kiss so full of desire. Nor has a man ever looked at me the way Nicolaus has. As if I was the only woman on Earth. Although I loved Kenny, he has never looked at me in such a way. Not as a girlfriend and not as his wife. Did it mean our love was lost? Our fire? It was as if I was having a constant battle with myself. I love Kenny with all of my heart, but the way I felt with Nicolaus for one night. It was inexplicable.

Nick had said that we could be friends, but could we? I knew we would be close to crossing a line, but I wanted to be selfish. I know this makes me a terrible wife, but I have always been a good wife. A noble wife until recently. Maybe, just maybe, I can be greedy. Just this once. I won't cheat on Kenny again, but maybe I can see Nick one last time. Just to get him out of my system. Holding the note in my left hand, I reached for my phone with my right. I knew Kenny wouldn't be home until late and I can pick up takeout on my way home. Decision made, I began dialing Nick's number.

The sun was still rising as brunch passed by. Bathed by the sunlight, the trees stood tall as a warm breeze ruffled their leaves. The atmosphere was peaceful, save for a few children laughing on the playground. Their parents watched them closely as they talked with one another. Despite the cheerful atmosphere, it was a solemn sight to see. It had me wondering about my future. If I would be a great mom since I was already a poor wife?

I was here, sitting on a bench, waiting for Nicolas to arrive. I was meeting a man who wasn't my husband. A man who made me feel things I shouldn't as a married woman. A large part of me wanted to run and go back home. Possibly forget ever meeting this man. And go back to my mundane life of being Kenny's wife.

Kenny. Would he ever forgive me if he found out?

My husband had quite the temper that's developed over the years. He has episodes where he'll get upset and ignore me. Or sometimes he'd yell, scream, or be ignorant. But those I can tolerate. I know how to appease him and make him less angry with my body. But would that be enough if he caught on?

No, there's nothing to catch on to Nicolaus and I are just friends-

And there he was, the man himself walking toward me. He looked as dashing as ever, even more so than my fantasies. His black hair swayed along with the breeze as he took long, confident strides toward me. It was as if time had stopped, yet he was the only one moving; fast. Trying to race with the wind to reach me first. I felt my eyes widen slightly as he became closer.

Oh God, should I stand or sit?

I wasn't sure what to do out of frazzled nerves. I wanted to see him so badly, but now I'm rethinking. He looked delicious, dressed in denim jeans and a dress shirt with three buttons open. It was an upgrade from his work attire, but even then he looked just as attractive as he does now. I grew self-conscious of how I looked dressed in a plain yellow dress. I had my locs in a bun so they wouldn't get in my face.

I hope I looked nice enough for him.

No, what am I saying? He said we could be friends, which I agreed to at first. Earlier, I decided that today would be my last day seeing him instead. Just to get him out of my system. Besides, maybe he's a terrible person outside of being a server. Or he only kissed me that night because he felt bad that I was sad. Maybe he agreed to be friends because he thought I was lonely. Yet, as tried to paint him badly in my mind, I knew it was bullshit. I was trying to convince my heart to stop feeling for a stranger. I knew those thoughts were trash, and I wanted him as badly as it seemed he wanted me.

But was it just lust?

Too caught up in my head, I didn't notice Nicolaus standing right in front of me. That is until I smelled the manly scent of vanilla coffee. And his shadow blocked the sunlight that was tanning my skin. Looking up, his eyes glowed brightly in the early afternoon as smiled down at me.

"Pretty stranger" His voice was like silk. Easily liquifying me. "You look stunning."