Silly Stories with Dairy.

How do you live, when all you want is death? You find love.

I had struggled with my mental health since I was very young. I was always to alert and to sensitive for my own good. I remember being heart broken when I saw the mail man outside my grandmas house looking sad when I was only 3 or 4 years old. I zombied my way through life with minimum effort. 

I used to sit at the end of my driveway and place my hand on the street. I would feel awful that I was touching something that connected me to so many people who needed help. I had the means to reach them, just not the directions. I would sit there for hours and let mind wander and follow the roads. I would think of all the people in the world and things they were accomplishing, or struggling with. 

My brain also loves flooding my thoughts with negativity. I am constantly thinking about things like. 

"So and so has been killed. If you leave the house someone will break in and steal your socks. If you talk to someone that says they like you, they are lying." 

It is a constant David vs Goliath battle in my own mind just to make it through the day. I used to get by, by just allowing my brain to drag me down as much as it felt like. I got used to ignoring the thoughts and shutting my mind off. I withdrew so deeply within myself that before I knew it. Nearly a decade had gone by. I had spent nearly ten years ghosting through life like this before She found me.

Rachel was this immature innocent looking young woman who had recently began working at the retail store I worked at. I was used to a constant wave of fresh faces coming and going through my many years working for this company. I would always wear a smile and get to know everyone as closely as I could, but I would never allow them to get to know me.

I would ignore the invitations to go out after work. I would come with excuses to not hang out on my days off.  I was unable to let anyone get close. My brain would convince me that even though they were trying to be my friends. It was only for pity or they were going to prank me later. Ultimately my brain wanted me to think that the joke was always on me.

A lot happened within this decade. A slight moment of military service. I worked for a religious cult. Family issues. normal day to day life stuff we all struggle with.

but none of that seemed to matter to Rachel. She was the first person to refuse to give up on me. No matter how many times I blew her off. No matter how hard I tried to get her to leave me alone. She saw something in me. Something I could never see.

During this time, I had happened to let three people into my life. I would hang out with these people on rotation once a month or so. I was going through the worst years of my life and I was desperate to not be alone. Rachel happened to over hear me making plans with one of my friends and she just happened to be friends with his girlfriend.  My friend was also in on this scheme of dragging me out of my hole.

They worked it out so that Rachel would be coming over to their apartment around the same time that I would be coming to spend the night and hang out. I was shocked and nearly cancelled the plans when I found out. But, I did not want to be home alone for the night. I figured that My friend and I would hang out and the other two would do their own thing. I was wrong.

The second Rachel walked into their apartment something hit me. She looked incredible. Not because of how she was dressed. Not because of anything she had done different with makeup or her hair. But because she came in with this awkward, loving smile. She showed up with a bag full of McDonalds to share with everyone even though she had no need to do that. I ended up seeing her for who she really was in that moment.

She wasn't some immature innocent lady who was oblivious to the darkest realities of the world. She was someone who had seen it first hand, yet held onto her kindness. I was intrigued and wanted to get to know her more. My friend and his girlfriend made up an excuse and retired for the evening and Rachel and I stayed up until the sun rose. We simply sat there and talked about nothing, and yet everything. It was the easiest conversation I had in an extremely long time.

We went our separate ways but ended up exchanging phone numbers. I made sure to lay on my negative, dark, miasmic, thick, gooey, and over all unpleasant personality. On thick. I needed to scare her away. 

 She did not give up though. Before I knew it. I was entranced. I looked forward to seeing her at work. I would get butterflies when my phone would receive a message. I could feel my hands get sweaty as I would reach for my phone to see if it was from her. I was crushing hard.

We hung out a few more times and then we began dating. 

I kept trying to convince her not to get comfortable with the idea of me. I knew she would eventually see how gross I was on the inside. I also had convinced myself that I was so unhealthy. That I was so unworthy of happiness. That I would be dead by the time I turned 30. 

I was told by a "psychic" at a cardboard box on the sidewalk. That I was going to die sad and alone on my thirtieth birthday. I legit had believed this random woman. For years!! I was like twelve when she shouted that to me.

I made it to 33 at least...

Anywhoser.

Rachel never gave up. She really ended up being my soulmate. I never thought that the idea of love, or happyness was for me, but she proved me wrong. I have a long way to go before I am "better." but I know with The love of my life by my side. I have no better motivation than to be the best I can be for all of eternitity.

Thank you for reading this corny / less silly story.