Selfish
He felt like the world was crashing down on him. Everything was gone. His plans, his master plan to conquer the world had ended in his demise. His life was flashing before him and he realised that everything he has done till now will only lead to his own death that he so desperately wanted to escape.
He had become something so horrifying. He couldn't see it. He couldn't see nor stand what he had become. He won't and never will become that thing. Never. It can't be him. He was not someone who'd let himself become that thing.
He felt fooled. He was fooling himself. He was not as smart as he thought himself to be. He realised what a blunder mistake he had done.
But realisation was a hard thing to digest. It him so hard that he felt like he was hit by a million sharp nails. It hurt. It hurt so much he felt his eyes sting. He felt like someone had plunged their hands into his being and pulled out the hidden kid in him. The hidden, scared, scarred boy out of him.
He knew the thing he saw was him. But he didn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Maybe it's not him? Maybe he had after all succeeded and won over the inevitable death himself.
Ofcourse, him, Tom Riddle can't be killed by a boy? Right? There was no way.
For first time in years, he felt like the sixteen year old boy that he was. He wanted someone to hold him and tell him he won't become that thing. He wanted someone to assure him he was going to be fine. He wanted someone to make him feel safe. He wanted someone to protect him, protect him from himself, from the monster that he will become. He wanted to let someone in. For once. One vulnerable moment. One hug. One crack in his great wall.
He was scared. Tom Riddle was terrified.
"What....who...that thing..." His voice shook as he stumbled back from the witch who stood with blood-shot eyes. His voice was a mix of fear, disgust, disbelief.
"That thing. That's what you will become if you continue with this stupid plan of yours Riddle!" Azazel threw her hands in the air and Tom flinched. He flinched so hard that his head started pounding. Everything was spinning around him, he felt his vision fill with spots and static filled his eardrums. His chest heaved up and down in an pathetic attempt to breath and he clutched the left side of his chest. Sweat covered his face and his skin turned paler than usual as he tried to take breaths. He couldn't breath. His lungs were giving up on him.
Azazel was by his side in a second after he had dropped to his knees. She hugged his sides.
"Tom...love...can you hear me? Keep your eyes open" Azazel instructed and he tried so hard to keep them open. She moved infront of him and lifted his chin up to meet her eyes. He looked into her eyes as his eyes weighed him down because of the lack of oxygen.
"Love, look at me. You are having a panic attack, don't fight it, just let it happen. Love, just let it happen. It's going to be fine" Azazel soothed and held him close to her as he let it happen. She whispered sweet nothings to him which did not help at all.
"Calm down."
A few seconds, minutes, hours, he didn't know what passed. He sat there on the floor while being held by her. Azazel was rocking him back and forth as she rubbed his back in a soothing way.
Tom's breathing came back to normal and he slowly pulled away from her. Azazel let him go and looked at him as the boy collected himself. Tom's eyes were glued to the cold ground and his hands were limp on his sides, his lips quivering as sweat dripped from his hair and face.
He looked defeated, his head hung low, shoulders slumped, soaked in his own sweat as he took in deep breaths.
It hurt. It hurt to see him like this. Azazel wanted to do everything to make him feel better. She would do anything. Why? That question was always pushed to the back of her head. She wouldn't deal with it now. She'll hopefully never have to answer that question.
"Is that really me?" Tom asked and the way his voice cracked made Azazel close her eyes.
"Yes" Azazel said, she had to say it. He had to realise how much his life will change because of one wrong move. She had to tell him the truth for him to understand why what he is about to do won't work.
Azazel slowly reached out and wiped the sweat off his face and slicked his hair back, away from his perfect face. He looked up at her and his ocean blue eyes met hers. Azazel's breath hitched and she pulled her hand back.
"You are a great wizard Tom. In my thousand years of life, I've never once come across someone as great as you. Someone so capable, someone who has everything it takes to get what they want. I don't want all of it to go to waste. I am sure you don't want it too." Azazel said and waited for him to say something.
"Hm?" She tried again and titled her head a little.
"Hm" Tom hummed back in reply and Azazel smiled at the memories of them doing it often.
It was their thing. Azazel smiled wider at the thought and looked down to hide it. They had their own thing. Their thing.
"Hm" Azazel hummed again and smiled to herself.
"I won't make many" Tom said and Azazel's smile dropped.
"What?"
"I can make one right? That won't do anything to me except for making me immortal." Tom said and looked at her with hopeful eyes. Azazel wanted to say no, she wanted to tell him it was stupid to choose to be immortal. She wanted to smack him on the head and scream at him.
But she didn't do any of that and just stared at him. His hopeful eyes made her stop for a moment and think.
She didn't want him to be immortal. Definitely no. He would suffer when everyone he cared about perished infront of his eyes. She didn't want that for him. She didn't.
But...
It wouldn't be so bad if he was immoral too. Right? She would have someone with her? Forever? For herself?
Azazel's eyes widened at her own thoughts and she gasped softly. That was selfish. Very selfish. Azazel Bellum was anything but.
Tom Riddle was making her everything she was not. First he makes her support his stupid plans, then he makes her show her true self to him. He makes her do things she never does. He makes her shiver with every word he says, makes her crave for his soft lingering touches that don't last too long but last too long at the same time, makes her want to hold him all the time, makes her want to protect him.
And on top of all this, he makes her selfish. He makes her want him for herself.
When it comes to Tom Riddle, Azazel Bellum is selfish.
Very selfish.
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Fanfiction"Oh sweetie, monsters are real and they look like people" Two lost souls, one too wrecked to be saved, one that doesn't want to be saved. What happens when they meet? As Tom Riddle continues to go down the path of self-destruction, Dumbledore decide...
