February 3rd 2009
what is god? is there a god? I dont know for sure. this uncertainty has been keeping me alive for the past couple of years. I havent killed myself yet because quite frankly, Im scared that I might reincarnate and have to live life again. Im afraid. IF ONLY I had just known whether or not god existed, I would've killed myself by now.
god has done absolutely fuck all for me. all my life Ive been raped and abused by people who I thought were my friends. where the fuck was he when I was being raped and abused? he must not exist then. but still there is this little fog that convinced me that god is real at the back of my head. If god existed, why did he have to make me so twisted and evil? everybody seems to think Im a decent guy but only I know how shitty of a human being I am.
Why do I wanna kill myself you might ask? well for starter, Im 28 and fucking jobless. My body is covered in scars from years of cutting and burning myself with cigarettes. My family shunned and cut ties with for my addictions. My family is pretty distinguish. Both of my parents are architects and they made good money. They gave me everything Ive ever wanted. Still I dont know what lead me to this path of despair and loneliness. Some teen on the internet called me a "cool doomer" the other day... whatever the hell that means. probably an insult.
*sigh*
Loneliness was becoming a little too unbearable. I decided to go for a walk to a nearby park with my only friend who also happens to my dog "Yurei". Means ghost in Japanese. I like Japanese culture a lot man. Especially the animes and the foods. They could make you lose yourself.. OH and the ladies.. Theyre one of a kind I'll tell ya.
The sun had already set, and the sky was painted with shades of dark blue and purple. The lonely park lay deserted. The once bustling playground was now still, with only the occasional sound of leaves rustling in the wind breaking the silence. The swings creaked as they swayed gently in the breeze, as if yearning for the laughter of children that had long gone. I love it. It eases up the pain by a little bit.
I think Im gonna start a challenge. yeah thats a great idea. I should start a challenge to overcome my fear of this absurd thing called "death"... Hopefully I'll get over it soon.
