February 13rd 2009
I wake up each morning to the same routine. The emptiness of my small apartment suffocates me as I stumble towards the kitchen. I reach for the bottle on the counter, unscrewing the cap with trembling hands. The sweet poison floods my mouth, numbing the pain and loneliness that consumes me. Each sip is a temporary escape from the reality of my life. The walls of my apartment feel like they're closing in on me, and I long for the comfort of human interaction. But I know deep down that my addictions has pushed away anyone who ever cared for me. So I pour another drink and resign myself to another day of numbing my pain with alcohol.
Ive had a rough patch. couldnt even be arsed to go outside and buy groceries. The unbearable loneliness and depression mask the hunger in my belly. I wanna end it. But Im afraid of the unknown- Will I go to hell for killing myself? Will there be an another life after this one?Im curious. I just wanna end it so badly yet I cant because Im afraid of the unknown like the pathetic fuck I am. Maybe if I wasnt raised by buddhist parents I wouldve ended it. Yeah both of my parents were buddhists. I was a buddhist basically for the first half of my life. Buddhism circles around the concept of reincarnation. Maybe thats why Im so scared of the "unknown". Had I had atheist parents , would I have killed myself for I do not have the fear of the unknown.Everything is just so fucking complicated. Jeez I sure could use a bottle of alcohol rn. not a bad idea. Im going to get alcohol while shopping for groceries.
I met a nice young lady. I was 2 dollars short for my groceries and she paid for it. Shes hell of a beaut I can tell you that for sure. And the smell of fresh air and laughter of children almost made me wanna continue living. But sadly I still wanna fucking blow my brains out. I wonder what lead me to this point in life. Is it my addictions? Im clearly mentally unwell. If I could travel back in time to fix all my mistakes I would. But thats not possible is it? no use sobbing over it now. Im far beyond redemption. I just wish I had known better than to smoke drink and do drugs at 14.
Did "God" intend to make me this way? an addict loser? I truly am a scum. God's scum.
